Can my marriage survive the secret of my financial infidelity?

Ralph
00:00:00

Imagine the gut wrenching moment when you discover that your spouse has been hiding thousands of dollars in credit card debt from you. How would you feel? What would you do? Financial infidelity can be just as devastating as a physical affair, but today, we're going to discuss how your marriage can survive this betrayal.

Picture this: You're going through the mail and you stumble upon a credit card statement you've never seen before. Your heart sinks as you realize your spouse has been hiding significant debt from you. The sense of betrayal is overwhelming. But there is good news. With God's grace and a commitment to rebuilding trust, your marriage can survive this financial infidelity. And today, we're getting into the sensitive topic to provide you with practical steps and biblical insights to help you navigate this difficult journey. So stay tuned as we explore how to heal and rebuild your relationship after financial infidelity.

Podcast Announcer
00:00:56

In a world where crushing debt keeps you trapped, where living paycheck to paycheck has become your new normal, and where the dream of retirement seems impossibly out of reach, there's hope. Join financial evangelist Ralph Estep Jr. A man who's walked through the fire of financial failure and emerged stronger on the other side.

Welcome to Ask Ralph, the show where real world experience meets biblical truth to break the bondage of financial despair.

Get ready to take control of your money, break free from the financial stress and align your resources with God's purpose for your life. This is Ask Ralph with Ralph Estep Jr.

Ralph
00:01:36

Welcome to the show. I am your financial evangelist and I am thrilled you've joined me today. Your time is valuable, and I am so grateful that you're choosing to spend some of that time with me. Now, if you missed yesterday's show, we tackled a tough topic. We tackled dealing with tax questions after losing a loved one.

It was a tough situation, but I gave you some practical advice. So if you missed it, make sure you go back and listen. The insights I provided could be so much needed guidance during a very difficult time. And remember this, all of our past episodes can be found at askralph.com. So if you've got a concern, you've got a question, go visit askralph.com, click on the search icon and see if I've already covered it.

Well, let's get to today's question. And this was a tough one. Got this one from Bernice. This is what Bernice wrote. She said, "Ralph, I recently discovered that my husband has been hiding credit card debt from me. I found statements with thousands of dollars in charges and I had no idea about it. I feel betrayed, hurt, and angry. We've been married for 15 years and I thought we had a strong, trusting relationship. Now, I'm not sure if our marriage can even survive this. I found the statements while cleaning out our home office.
At first, I thought it was a mistake, but as I looked closer, I realized these were charges my husband had been making without my knowledge. I confronted him and he admitted to hiding the debt from me. He said he didn't want to burden me with his financial mistakes, but I feel like he's been living a double life.

I can't help but feel like I don't know him anymore. We've always been a team. We've always made decisions together and now I'm questioning everything. I'm struggling with how to move forward. Can you offer any advice on how to rebuild our marriage and regain the trust that's been broken?" Bernice, you hit me with a tough one today because I feel your pain deeply.

I see this in my practice all the time. That shock of discovering your spouse's infidelity can be overwhelming. It's like the rug has been pulled out from under you. All the things you assumed, it leaves you at questions. It questioned everything about the relationship. And I've seen it firsthand how this betrayal can shake the very core, that very foundation of a marriage.

So Bernice, I've got answers for you today. I've got a path forward for you. But if you've got a question, just like Bernice, I love hearing from you. If you've got financial questions, if you've got faith based questions, do me a favor and head over to justaskralph.com and submit your question. Because here's the thing. That question you have could very well be impactful to other listeners and your question could be featured on a future episode. And don't forget, every Tuesday, we go live at 1 PM eastern time. Every Tuesday, go to askralphpodcast.com/live. And you might be wondering, what does live mean? It means that we are going to be interacting in real time. You can ask questions, you can join our community. So I'm going to encourage you to do that. Again, you get to that by going to askralphpodcast.com/live.

Well you know Bernice, I always like to start our shows with some scripture. And I thought about it for a minute, you know, financial infidelity is a sensitive topic. It just is. It's a tough thing to talk about, but it touches on the core of trust. And it touches on that sense of honesty in a marriage and in the Bible, we find guidance on forgiveness and reconciliation.

Because all of these are going to be essential components for healing of relationship after such a betrayal. So let's turn to Colossians chapter 3 verses 13, which says this. "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." And I just want to park there for a second because it's really easy to judge.

It's really easy to be angry with someone. It's really easy to harbor that animosity, especially in a marriage relationship. My wife and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage this year, and there have been times when it has been tough, and I've shared those honest, those wounds here on the show. But you've had to look to the source of scripture and it says bear with each other and forgive one another.

The Bible's commanding you to forgive. If you've got a grievance, if you've got that grievance with your husband or you've got that grievance with your wife or your son or your children, whatever that looks like, if any of you, any of you, that's what the Bible says, has a grievance against someone, forgive it as the Lord forgave you.
And that's the key to the whole thing. How can you not forgive somebody? I want to go on a tangent right now. I've got a lot to cover today, but I want you to just ruminate on that. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Well, today I'm grateful for God's grace. I'm grateful for the power of forgiveness, which can heal even the deepest wounds in our relationship. I've experienced that. I've shared that on the show. So today, let's explore how these biblical principles, how they can help us navigate financial infidelity and rebuild our marriage.

You know, when I was thinking about your question, Bernice, it's at the core of trust and financial infidelity can feel like a punch in the gut. It's like you were in a 10 round, you know, heavyweight boxing match. It's a betrayal. It can leave you questioning everything about your marriage. That's exactly what you're doing. But here's the thing that's important. It's important to remember that it doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. This doesn't have to be the time when you throw in a towel and said, I've had enough. Because here's the hope for today.

And I want to do a show about hope because there are so many bad things going on around us. There's so many times that we break the trust of others and people break the trust with us. But here is a truth. With a commitment to honesty, with a commitment to transparency and a choice to forgive, you can rebuild and have a stronger bond.

Imagine if you will somebody else, if you discover a secret credit card statement with thousands of dollars in charges you didn't know about. I'm gonna tell you a story about a client, similar situation. But think about that hurt. Think about that anger. Think about that betrayal. It can feel overwhelming.

Because here's the secret. A lot of people say, Oh, that's just a money thing. No, it's not. Financial infidelity isn't just about money. That's actually the easiest part. You can recover from that, but it's about trust. And it's about the very foundation of your marriage. Like when you build a house, you've got to have a strong foundation.

Well, when that foundation of the marriage is cracked, it leads to a cascade of negative consequences. We've hit on some of these, that feeling of betrayal, that loss of trust, that insecurity, that resentment. And biggest part of this, and Bernice, I heard you saying this in your letter. That breakdown in teamwork.

You thought you were on the same page. Well, let me tell you about my client, Sarah, because she faced a very similar situation. One day, she was cleaning out their home office, just like you Bernice. She was organizing clutter. She was sorting through piles of papers and she decided that day it was time to do some shredding and finally clean up that home office.

And she's looking through paperwork and she stumbles upon a letter from a mortgage company. She looks at this letter and she says, wait a second, this isn't my mortgage company. And all of a sudden she noticed this letter is addressed to her husband, John. And this was a letter she'd never seen before.

And she was curious. She opened it up. So he hadn't even opened up the letter. And what she found inside of that rocked her to her core. It was a letter talking about a second mortgage that John had taken out and she had no idea about this. The house was in her and her husband's name. So he had gone and taken out this second mortgage without her knowledge.

And she's racing. She's reading that letter. Her heart is racing. You can feel the sense of tension, her face was getting hot. She was getting red. And then all of a sudden she felt this wave of disbelief. Oh, this can't be true. This is impossible. This must be a mistake. And then she felt this disbelief and this betrayal wash over her.

And she started to think, you know, how could John have done this without telling me? Because she thought about we've always, we've always made financial decisions together. We always talk about every major purchase. We talk about what we're doing on our investments. And this was such a massive breach of trust.

She told me after the fact, she said, Ralph, I felt like the ground beneath me had crumbled. She said, I was standing in our home office on the second floor and I felt like the house was breaking open and I was going to fall down to the basement. She was in a state of shock. She was in a state of confusion.

And then when that started to subside, the reality sank in. And when the reality sank in, that made things even worse because now her emotions started to spiral and she got angry. She had this anger pulled up inside of her. But not only angry, she had this mix of anger and this deep sense of hurt, this deep sense of betrayal.

She asked herself, how could this man I love, trusted and then trusted. This is the man I love and trusted. How could he so deeply keep such a significant secret from me? And then she started going down what everybody does. She starts questioning everything about the relationship. If he did this, what else could he be doing?

Are there other secrets you hide? And does he have this other life? And she went deep. She got dark here because she started to think, she started to ask herself, does he really love and respect me? You know, how could he do this behind my back? She starts thinking about the levels of what it took to do that.

Well, that evening, John was in for it. John walks in the door, he sits down and wife said, you know, he says, how was your day, honey or whatever they say. Sarah had this letter in her hand. She held the letter in her trembling hands and she asked him to explain. She said, John, explain this. And man, all the color fell out of his face.

And he said, Sarah, it's true. Yeah, I admit it. You know, fortunately, he at least admitted. He didn't try to lie about it. He said, yeah, I took out a second mortgage without you knowing about it. And the thing he said next was even deeper. It even made the hurt worse. Because he said, I didn't want to burden you with my financial mistakes.
And he said, Sarah, I really thought I could handle this on my own. And Sarah just listened. And her heart was heavy. It was heavy with disappointment. It was heavy with anger. She thought again, she says, I can't believe the man that I had shared my life with for so many years could do something so significant and hide it from her.

And at that moment, she thought, I don't know how I'm going to fix this. She didn't say this to John at the time, but you could see it on her face. She thought, how am I ever going to put my marriage back together after this betrayal. But fortunately, Sarah was a person of deep faith and that night, once they separated a little bit, he went off to his part of the house.

She went off to hers and she got on her knees and she started to ask God for help. She says, God, I have no clue how to fix this. And her faith played a crucial role in the journey. I'm going to tell you about that journey in a second. And she turned to the Bible. She needed that Bible for comfort. She needed that Bible for guidance. She needed that Bible to speak to her about forgiveness. And she found solace in this verse from Ephesians chapter 4:32 and it says this. And this became her mantra. It says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." I mentioned this earlier. Think about those words, be kind and compassionate to another. Forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you. And she prayed about that.
She ruminated on that. I know I used ruminated a couple of times, but she meditated on that. She thought to herself, how in the world am I ever going to do this? Cause she knew forgiveness wasn't going to be an easy path. But she also believed in scripture. She believed in what the Lord was saying.

So she knew it was not going to be easy path, but she knew it was the path to healing. Now you might be saying Ralph, whatever happened to them? Did they put it back together? Well, yes, they did. Over time. They did work together to create a plan for financial transparency. But once that trust was broken, it didn't happen overnight.

So the first thing they do, they set up a joint bank account, something they hadn't done before. They had his account and her account. They had sort of a way to do bills like that. And I know a lot of people do that. They scheduled regular meetings every week and they agreed on financial goals. And that was the biggest part of this.

And they recommitted to a decision that Sarah always assumed. They recommitted to making decisions jointly. They recommitted to open communication. And because that trust was shattered, Sarah needed to set some boundaries and expectations for their financial behavior moving forward.

Cause if she was going to trust John again, there had to be a framework for this. And I'm going to talk about that today on the show. And let me just tell you, I witnessed this from the outside. That journey was not easy. And there are still scars from that journey. And if you go through financial infidelity or physical infidelity, you will have scars. But the journey, it's all about the journey. I talk about this on the show all the time. It's not about the destination. It's about the journey. And Sarah and John remain committed to rebuilding the trust. They both, they poured themselves into this. And how did they maintain it? How did they sustain it?

Well, they celebrated small victories along the way. They focused on creating a healthier and more transparent financial relationship. God bless them. This makes me emotional. Through their faith, they found strength to forgive and the courage to move forward. I just say, God bless them for that because think about how deeply that rocked Sarah and how it broke that marriage relationship.

So you might say, Ralph, man, I'm in the same position. How can faith rebuild that trust and Bernice, I bet you feel exactly the same way as Sarah. And I've got a plan for you to start moving forward. And Bernice, just like Sarah, it all starts with faith. Faith in God's grace reminds us that we are all flawed and we are all in need of forgiveness.
See, that's the thing about judgmental people. And I'm going to take a little rant here. You want to sit there and judge somebody about the mistakes they've made. And this is why I'm different, I guess. But just remember this, we are all flawed. We all need forgiveness. And I mentioned two scriptures. Well, just as God forgave us, He didn't need to forgive us.
I heard a preacher one time say, we are all filthy rags. So just as God forgave us, we are called to forgive one another. And when you have that understanding, that core faith, that core belief in forgiveness, that understanding can help us extend grace to even our spouse. And sometimes that's even more difficult.

It's sometimes easier to forgive the neighbor if he crossed into your yard or the kids are playing in the yard and the ball went in your yard, that stuff's easy. But look at that spousal relationship. Something that you feel is so strong. But with that belief in forgiveness and with that belief in faith, you can fix this financial betrayal.

So Bernice, hear me on this. Number one thing you've got to arm yourself with this. Remember that God's grace is sufficient for you and your husband. Now let's get into some specifics of how you're going to do that.

So I want to give you some concrete ways to pull your marriage back together. It all starts with prayer. That is the first thing. Remember what Sarah did? First thing Sarah did when she confronted John, because she needed to do that. I'm going to talk a minute about how you got to be honest and open about this, but one of the main tenants of everything I speak about on this show, my seven biblical principles for mastering your finances, it all starts with prayer.

So start by praying together. And this might seem weird if you're not big prayerful people, but start there because engaging in prayer together can bring a sense of unity and it can strengthen your bond. Trust me, I've done it myself. I've shared on the show how my wife and I nearly were divorced. Well, there were many days where I was on my knees in prayer because I said, God, you got to fix this because I've broken it.

And see, here's the beauty about prayer. Prayer allows you to express your feelings. You can express your fears, but more importantly, that you can express that your hopes to God. And trust me on this, just do this. Prayer can provide you a sense of peace and it can provide you with a sense of comfort. So Bernice, the first thing I'm going to encourage you to do. Set aside time each day to pray with your husband. Sit down and just put it all out there for the Lord, its open and transparency.

Ask God for guidance, ask God for healing, ask God to restore what's been broken. So that's the first step. Now second step, another tenant of what I believe in. Start by seeking wisdom from scripture. I've shared some of those. Ground yourself in this. The Bible is filled with wisdom and guidance on forgiveness.

It's filled with guidance on trust and reconciliation. See, because the truth is God knows we are going to make mistakes. We are broken people. He wants us to have to come to Him. That's the whole point. Our flesh will break us. Our flesh will make us do terrible things. We're going to break relationships.

But the Bible has wisdom for how to get past that. Like I mentioned, Colossians 3:13, it reminds us to forgive as we've been forgiven. Here's a dirty little secret. I heard a pastor say this one time, and I absolutely agree. If you can't forgive somebody else, I truly believe that God's not going to forgive you.

And that is not a nice thing to say. And people might write me, hate mail, I don't care. Because the truth of the gospel, the truth of the scripture is that you've got to forgive if you want to be forgiving. So turning the scripture can provide a foundation for healing. You can found a foundation for rebuilding that trust.

So Bernice spend time reading and reflecting on biblical passages that speak to forgiveness and trust. You're going to need this. You're going to need to arm yourself with this. It's so very critical. And the next step I'm going to talk about, and this is the next step is another important part of my approach.

And that's building a team around you. It can be professionals in your faith community, but finding support in your faith community is crucial. Because here's the truth. Your faith community can be a source of encouragement and can be a source of support during this challenging time. And don't lie to yourself.

This is not going to be easy. The trust has been broken. The marital relationship has been severed. It's been cracked. It's not completely broken, but it's been tested. It's been shooked to its core. Talking to your pastor, joining a small group, or even participating in a Bible study can provide a safe and supportive environment because you're going to need that because you're going to need to heal and you need to grow.

So Bernice, I'm asking you to do this. It will help you. Reach out to your faith community for the support and prayers you need. That's so very critical. Surround yourself with people who can help you through this process. The next thing I'm going to encourage you. You got to start practicing forgiveness. And see this is so crucial for everything.

I think this is one of the fundamental pieces of the Christian belief structure. It is truly a fundamental principle of the Christian faith. And that is forgiveness because it's not about condoning the behavior. I'm not saying to you that you should condone what your husband has done. Sarah certainly did not condone what John had done.

And I'm gonna talk about why he did it in a little bit, because I think it's so crucial to understand the why. But forgiveness isn't about condoning the behavior. You're not pretending it didn't happen. Those scars will remain. If you've ever been through any level of betrayal, whether it be in a marital relationship, a friend relationship, a parental relationship, those scars don't ever go away.

They just don't. I think over time you start to see them less like when you cut yourself. And when you first cut yourself, you've got that scar and you can see it. It hurts. It's bleeding. But over time it starts to heal, but you can always go back to, I remember when I was a kid, I cut myself on the forehead one time and I can still see that little faint scar today.

But see, the thing about forgiveness, it's not about pretending it didn't happen. It's not about  condoning behavior. It's about releasing that anger because that's what's chewing up. That's what's eating at you. It's about releasing that resentment. It's about offering grace.

Just as God offers grace to us, how can we not offer that to somebody else? So Bernice, practicing forgiveness as a step towards healing and reconciliation will help you along this journey. The next thing I want to talk about. You got to trust in God's plan. And this is where the rubber meets the road because sometimes you're like, Ralph, how did this happen?

How would God, how would the God of the universe allow this to happen? How would God allow my relationship to be shook like this? Well, believing that God has a plan for your life and your marriage can provide hope and comfort in difficult times because then you can say, God's got this. And trusting in God's plan can help you move forward with confidence because you're going to need that confidence because there are things that are going to happen.
You're going to say, Oh, he's at it again. Or do I really believe where he says he's doing, or do I really believe what's going on? But trusting in God's plan can help you move forward with confidence because you know that he's working for your good. And the Bible speaks time and time again about how the Lord is working for your good.

We may not always see it. We don't always understand it, but it's always a truth. So Bernice, you got to have faith that God has a plan for your marriage. God has a plan for that marriage. He doesn't want to see it broken. He doesn't want to see it fall apart. And when you understand that there's a plan, that can bring healing and restoration.

And one more thing I want to mention here. And this one is very tough as if the rest of them haven't been tough. This one gets tough too. And it's called modeling Christ love. See, I often speak about how the Bible or often think about how the Bible speaks to men that we should love our wives just as Christ loves his church.

Well, that sure sounds nice, but putting feet on the pavement, moving forward that is not easy. But the thing you need to understand, and this is so very crucial. Christ's love is unconditional, but more importantly, it's forgiving. And see, as we strive to model Christ's love in our marriages, we are called to love and forgive unconditionally.

Boy, that's a word that this world doesn't like. We live in this conditional love zone. If you do this for me, I'll love you. You buy me this. I'll love you. We learned that from a young age as children. But this love can be a powerful force in rebuilding trust and healing your relationship.

Model that love of Christ. And it's not easy. So Bernice strive to model Christ loving your interactions with your husband. Start to think about how you can help rebuild your husband, because listen, he's admitted it to you. He admitted there's a problem. Just like we fall to our knees and say to the Lord, we need forgiveness, Lord. You've got to model that Christ love for your husband.

So Bernice, let me give you some concrete steps that you can take right away. Because if you want to make this work, if you really want to rebuild this marriage and I'm praying that you do, you've got to take action.

I say this on the show all the time. You can have the best of intentions and you can have the best ideas and all that, but until you put them into action, you're not going to get anywhere with it. So the first thing I want to encourage you to do is acknowledge and process your emotions. See, this isn't a very peasy thing to say either. You got to allow yourself to feel that hurt. You got to embrace that. You got to allow yourself to feel that anger and allow yourself to feel that betrayal. Don't try to suppress these emotions because if you try to suppress them, they're never going to be dealt with. So talk to a trusted friend, talk to a family member or even a therapist that help you process that hurt, that anger and that betrayal.

Because one of the things you may have to do is you may need to find that it's important to give yourself the space to grieve and to heal. So Bernice, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. That's actually a good thing. That means that you have love for your husband. And it's okay to feel uncertain because expectations and things that you just assumed have been broken.
So start by taking the time you need to work through your emotions. That is so very critical. You can't just skip that step. Yeah. You're going to have to be angry with your husband for a while. You're going to be hurt. You know, when it comes to your relationship with your husband for a while, and you're going to feel betrayed for a while, that's just the truth.

So allow yourself to work through that. Once you get past that, I think the next step, and you can do this at the same time is you learn, you need to learn to communicate openly and honestly. Create that safe space for open and honest communication with your spouse. You need to be intentional about this.

It's a time when both of you can share your feelings, share your concerns without being, without making accusations or judgment, because if you go there, it's just going to devolve into a battle. So you may need some help here to understand how to have open and honest communication because as human beings, we're not very good at this.

It's a time to share your feelings without that judgment. Listen to the other person's perspective and try to understand the underlying reasons for their behavior. In your case, Bernice, maybe you say to your husband, how did this happen? It's not about judgment. And you've got to be clear about that. Say, look, John, you know, your husband, I don't know your husband's name, but the other husband, name is John and Sarah said, John, how did this happen?

And at first John was like, Oh, you're being judgmental. She said, no, no, no. I just want to understand what led you to this. And there was healing in that because in that particular situation, John had this difficult time of balancing needs and wants. He was in middle age and he was dealing with, you know, this one has this and this one had this, and he wanted to be part of the group.

He didn't really understand that needs versus wants. So that is so crucial. That's so crucial here. Open and honest communication. And Bernice, let me just tell you something. It's important to express how this betrayal has affected you. It's okay to say to your husband, I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel hurt. But you've also got to be willing to listen to your husband's side of the story whether you agree with it or not, you've got to open up that communication. Second thing. And I've alluded to this. I think this is something you're going to absolutely need to do because I don't think this is a do it yourself project. You got to seek professional help. Now that could be a therapist. It could be a counselor, somebody that can provide you guidance and support as you navigate through this challenging time.

Cause this is not easy. Somebody like that can help you communicate effectively. They can help you build that open and honest way of communicating where you're not battling. Somebody can help you address the underlying issues because I guarantee there's more to this than meets the eye. It's not just about that financial piece.

And they can help you develop a plan for rebuilding that trust cause you need a plan. It's not going to happen magically. So don't hesitate to speak to a professional for help. If you feel overwhelmed and unsure about how to move forward, it's okay to ask for help. I say this on the show all the time. So many people are embarrassed.

They don't want to go tell somebody about what they've gone through. But your pastor or the people at your church, maybe you have church counselors. This is what they do. Trust me, this is not going to be the first time they've heard this. So Bernice, consider finding the therapist who can help you and your husband work through this together.

And maybe that means individual counseling. Maybe that means, you know, group counseling. Maybe you've got children involved. Maybe it involves family counseling, but do that. The next thing, which is crucial, you've got to understand your value system around finances. This is why I do this show because what you need to understand is not about the money.

Money is a tool. But it's that value system that surrounds us. So this is a time to take time to reflect on your own beliefs and your values about money. Maybe you and your husband come from different places. This is very common in a marital relationship. You've got a husband that's a saver or a spender, and you've got the wife that's exactly opposite.
Because you got to think, how were you raised to think about finances? Let me tell you, I've said it on this show time and time again. A lot of us have train wrecks when it comes to that. We didn't ever get that behavior model that would be helpful for us moving forward. So ask yourself that question.

Ask yourself, what are your financial priorities? What do you hold important? Bernice one of the things I hear you saying is that you make it important to not be in debt. It's one of my tenants as well, is stay out of debt, live below your means, but you've got to clearly lay out what those financial priorities are.

And as a couple, make sure you're both on the same page. Because understanding your own relationship with money can help you communicate more effectively with your spouse and help you work towards a shared financial vision. Because right now you're not on the same page. You don't have a shared vision.

So Bernice reflect on what money means to you and how you want to manage your finances as a couple. Because here's one of my go to things. I always talk about this. My main belief comes in here. I suspect you're going to find you and your husband need to live below your means because you're trying to live a lifestyle.

Maybe it's not you. I'm not judging you, but maybe that's the issue with her husband. So do that. And then you've got to create up a plan for financial transparency. That trust has been broken. That trust has been severed. So you've got to establish a system of financial transparency where both of you have access to all the accounts and all the financial information.

Like Sarah did with John, maybe that involves a joint bank account. Maybe that's a regular budget meeting. I know it sounds silly, but maybe you have a board of directors meeting every week as a couple. You've got to be in full disclosure and full transparency of everything that's coming out and everything that's going in, the income and expenses.
Because here's the thing. You don't take anything else away from what I'm saying today. Financial transparency is key. It is the absolute key to rebuilding trust. It's all got to be on the table. And it's the key to ensuring that both partners are on the same page and you got to be on the same page.

Because if you're not, this is never going to work. So Bernice, here's what things I'm going to encourage you to do. Consider setting up those joint accounts and scheduling that regular meetings to discuss your finances openly. Another thing you need to do is set boundaries and expectations because maybe in this case, your husband didn't realize this was a boundary he crossed.

I'm not condoning what he did, but this is an opportunity to clearly define boundaries and expectations for financial behavior moving forward. You got to lay it all out, put it pen to paper. This could be practically could be things like limits on spending. Maybe you agree that if it's going to be over X dollars, it's a joint discussion.

This is where we talk about an agreement on financial goals, but more importantly, that you want to rebuild that trust, it's a commitment to joint decision making. Because if you set those clear boundaries and expectations, it will help prevent future financial infidelity because there's a set of rules. And it's going to promote a healthier relationship.

So as part of that open communication, Bernice, discuss with your husband what your boundaries are and what you both need to have to rebuild that trust. Which leads me to the next thing. You got to focus on rebuilding that trust. And this isn't going to happen overnight. Rebuilding trust takes time. It takes effort.

It takes both of you doing it. It requires consistency. It requires accountability. And here's the biggest part. It requires a willingness to forgive. Look to the Bible for that willingness and then celebrate small victories along the way, because this is a journey, not a destination. Focus on creating a healthier and more transparent financial relationship.

But you need to understand this. A lot of people think that they're going to go to the counseling session and in a week or two, everything's going to be great. But here's the thing you need to understand. Rebuilding that trust is not going to be built overnight, but with patience and dedication, I can tell you this, hear me on this.

There is hope. You can rebuild a strong and resilient bond. But Bernice, it's going to be a time when you need to be patient with yourself and you need to be patient with your husband as you work to rebuild trust. And the final thing I'm going to encourage you to do, and I spoke about this a little while ago, this is not the do it yourself project.

You reach out for professional help, but also get support from your faith community. This is a time to lean on your faith community for support and guidance. You want to surround yourself with people who can help build you up. Like I said, talk to your pastor, join that small group, participate in a Bible study.

I encourage you to do that with your husband to find strength and encouragement during this difficult time. You're going to need it because here's the truth. The devil wants to see your relationship fail. The devil wants to see that marriage crumble. You need your faith because you are going to be under attack.

As you try to rebuild this, you're bucking the system. So your faith and that faith community can provide a safe and supportive environment for you to heal and grow. So Bernice, turn to your faith community for that support and prayers you need during this challenging time.

I know I covered a lot today, but one of the things I want to encourage you to do is I write a blog post every day, which goes a little deeper. I talk about some additional resources, got some great things in today's blog. So you can get to that by going to askralphpodcast.com/blog.

Well, let's get to our reflection questions because I really want us to spend a little time thinking about and meditating on what we covered today. So the first one is this. Ask yourself this question. What specific steps can I take to acknowledge and process my emotions related to financial infidelity?

You notice where I started there. What steps can you take to acknowledge, acknowledge that fear, acknowledge that anger, acknowledge that betrayal, acknowledge that uncertainty. And then how do you process those? Cause that's the important part. Acknowledge and process. Second thing. How can I incorporate the biblical principles of forgiveness and trust into my efforts to rebuild my marriage after financial betrayal?

Because here's the truth. The Bible commands you to forgive. And the Bible wants you to trust, but you're going to need to understand those biblical principles. So how can you work to make that marriage work after that deep financial betrayal? And number three, and this one is absolutely essential. What boundaries and expectations can I set with my spouse to promote financial transparency and rebuild trust in our relationship?

You're going to have to construct something because you're always going to have this question mark. Am I going to find that credit card statement? Am I going to find that there was a loan taken out that I didn't know about. So create that boundary, create that level of expectations, create that meeting, that joint checking account, whatever that looks like for you.

It is absolutely crucial. So again, acknowledge and process your emotions, incorporate those biblical principles of forgiveness and trust and set those boundaries and clearly put together what those expectations are. And Bernice, I want to tell you this. I want you to know you're not alone in this journey. Because I've walked this path myself.

I was the one that made those financial decisions that I hid from my wife. So I can speak to truth about this. And I've seen firsthand how financial infidelity can tear at the fabric of a marriage. But here's the other beautiful thing. I've also experienced the power of forgiveness and I have the strength that comes from rebuilding trust.

And if you're feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to start, here's something. Let me help you. Let me be your guide. See guys, I offer personalized coaching sessions where we can dive deep into your specific situation. I'm not a judgmental guy. We can sit down, we can put the facts in front of us and we can create a plan for that financial transparency.

That's going to be so important. I can help you work on rebuilding that trust that's been shattered. I'll share with you the practical steps and those biblical principles that helped me and many of my clients navigate through this challenging time. Because Bernice, let me just tell you, you're not the first person that's gone through this.

I've seen this. I've been through it myself. So don't let financial infidelity define your marriage. It doesn't have to be, well, my marriage was broken because of this. This can be an opportunity to strengthen your bond and create a healthier, more transparent financial relationship. Yes, you heard me right.

Your marriage can be stronger than it ever was. So I'm going to encourage you to go to askralph.com and book a session with me today. Let's walk this journey together and let's rebuild your marriage on a foundation of trust and on a foundation of honesty. It all starts by you reaching out to me and booking that call at askralph.com.

And if you find value in the Ask Ralph show, if this show is making an impact on you, if you're learning from it, if you're feeling more in, you know, better about your finances, you're feeling better about your faith why don't you consider supporting us by buying us a virtual cup of coffee.

You can do that at askralphpodcast.com/support. And again, no one is going to arrive at my office with a coffee. It's a virtual coffee. It's a way to support the show and it's a way for us to spread the message of hope because today's show as much as it seems like a negative show is about hope because you never heard me say one time move away, get divorced, break that relationship.

You never heard me say that. Because that's not what the Christian faith teaches us. This show is about hope. And I want to share that with other people who are going through similar challenges and your support can help us do this. I'm also going to encourage you to like, and share the show with others who can benefit from them.

Just direct them to askralph.com. Send them a text, send them an email and say, Hey, I know you and your husband been struggling or something, or maybe you've got a friend that's going through this right now. Reach out to them and say, Hey, Ralph did an episode about this. Listen to this episode, watch this episode, whatever that looks like for you.

Because together we can help more people achieve financial success and grow in their faith. So looking back today, we explored the challenging topic of financial infidelity and how it will impact your marriage because it will impact your marriage. But we discussed practical steps you can take to rebuild that trust and heal your relationship.

And all of that was grounded in biblical principles. I shared that story of Sarah and John because I wanted to illustrate to you the depth of betrayal. You could feel that Sarah was betrayed at a level that many of us will never feel, but she also embraced that journey of forgiveness and restoration.

Remember, with God's grace and a commitment to honesty and forgiveness, and that is the crucial part, you too can overcome this challenge and strengthen your marriage. Now, tomorrow we're going to talk about something completely different. We're going to get into some more secular discussion with what's the secret to deducting home equity loan interest.
So make sure you tune in tomorrow. A lot of people think you can't deduct that anymore, but I've got some answers for you. So Bernice and all of our listeners going through this or a similar situation, remember that healing and restoration is possible. It might feel overwhelming right now. Probably does feel very overwhelming right now, but with each step you take towards transparency, towards forgiveness and rebuilding trust, you're moving closer to a stronger and more resilient marriage.

And here's the beauty of this completely. God is with you every step of the way. And so am I. So let's journey towards financial and relationship wholeness. And I don't usually pray on this show on the Friday show, but I want to do it today because I feel so compelled to ask prayer right now. So please stay with me.

Dear Lord, we come before You today with heavy hearts. We're seeking Your guidance and healing. We ask for Your grace to cover our marriages. We're being attacked, Lord. We ask for Your grace to help us forgive us, to help us give forgiveness to others. Help us to forgive, as you have forgiven us and restore the trust that's been broken.

Lord, give us the strength to communicate openly to set boundaries and to rebuild our relationships on a foundation of honesty and transparency. Lord, help us to model your love that Christ love. And that forgiveness in our marriages. I asked this in the precious name of Jesus. Amen. Well, thank you for your time today and trusting me to guide you through this challenging journey.

So until next time. I want to encourage you, stay strong, stay faithful, and remember that with God, all things are possible. My passion is to help you achieve financial success. I want to see you live out your dreams and I want to see you grow in your faith because I've been through this journey myself and I know the pain and the healing that comes from rebuilding trust.

And I know together we can master your finances from that Christian perspective. So God bless you today.

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