Who Pays the Bills When Your Grown Kids Won’t Fly the Coop?
Are your adult children still crashing at home? Well, you’re definitely not alone! Today, we’re diving into a listener's heartfelt question about the tricky situation of supporting grown kids who just won’t leave the nest. We’ll dish out some down-to-earth advice, sprinkle in a bit of biblical wisdom, and share some real-life success stories to help you tackle this dilemma head-on. We’re talking about the hidden costs of keeping them around, setting those all-important financial boundaries, and even addressing some of that sibling rivalry that might be brewing. So, if you've ever wondered who pays the bills if your kids won't fly the coop, this one is for you.
Check out the full podcast episode
The struggle is real! Supporting adult children who still live at home can be a major financial strain for parents, and today we tackle just that. With real-life stories and biblical insights, we explore why your kids might be lingering longer in the nest. Is it student debt? A tough job market? Or is it just too comfy at home? We dig into the numbers—like how $227,000 can vanish from your retirement savings because of this! But don’t worry; we’ve got your back with practical strategies to set boundaries and encourage your adult children to step out on their own. Whether it’s tracking expenses or considering charging a bit of rent, we cover it all while keeping it light-hearted and relatable. You’re not alone in this, and we’re here to help you find that balance between love and responsibility!
Podcast Timestamps:
- 00:07 - Navigating the Challenges of Supporting Adult Children
- 03:19 - Navigating the Financial Burden of Adult Children Living at Home
- 14:21 - Setting Boundaries with Adult Children
- 31:29 - Encouraging Independence in Adult Children
- 40:41 - Actionable Advice for Parents: Fostering Financial Independence
- 49:43 - Effective Communication with Adult Children
- 55:49 - Navigating Financial Independence for Adult Children
Takeaways:
- Navigating the financial support of adult children can be super tricky, but understanding their reasons for staying home is key to finding solutions.
- It's crucial to set healthy financial boundaries with your adult kids to protect your own future while still giving them support.
- Communication is everything! Having open discussions about finances and expectations can prevent misunderstandings and foster independence.
- Don't forget the biblical principles—seeking God's guidance can help you make wise decisions in supporting your adult children without compromising your own needs.
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00:00 - None
00:07 - Navigating the Challenges of Supporting Adult Children
03:19 - Navigating the Financial Burden of Adult Children Living at Home
14:21 - Setting Boundaries with Adult Children
31:29 - Encouraging Independence in Adult Children
40:41 - Actionable Advice for Parents: Fostering Financial Independence
49:43 - Effective Communication with Adult Children
55:49 - Navigating Financial Independence for Adult Children
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Are your adult children still living at home?
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Are you struggling to support them financially while also
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planning for your own future?
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Well, today we're gonna dive into a listener's question about the
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challenges of supporting grown kids who haven't left a nest.
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We're gonna explore some practical advice.
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I'm gonna give you some biblical wisdom, and we're gonna talk about
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some real life case studies to help you navigate this complex situation.
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We're gonna discover the hidden cause of supporting adult children,
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why they might not be leaving the nest at home, how to set healthy
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financial boundaries, how to deal with manipulated behavior and sibling rivalry.
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And I'm gonna give you biblical principles to guide you through this
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journey, as well as some strategies to encourage financial independence.
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And we're gonna end it all with the power of prayer in seeking God's guidance.
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So don't miss this crucial discussion as we provide actionable steps
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and spiritual insights to help you balance love and responsibility.
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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the Ask Ralph Show.
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This is your weekly live show where we tackle tough questions
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about faith and finance, and hey, just about everything in between.
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And today we've got a particularly compelling question from one
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of our listeners that I think many of you can relate to.
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It's about the challenge of supporting adult children
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who are still living at home.
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Hey, this is a situation that's becoming increasingly common and
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it's causing a lot of stress and it's causing financial strains for parents.
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But first, let's hear from our listener who sent in this question and they're
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struggling with this very situation.
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Here's what they had to say.
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Says, dear Ralph, I'm really struggling right now.
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My daughter, who is 28, has been living at home for the past three years.
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She had a rough time finding a job after college and has been
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dealing with student loan debt.
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At first, I was happy to support her, but it's been taking a toll on
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my finances and my peace of mind.
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I'm paying for the groceries, I'm paying for the phone bill, and even
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her car insurance feels like she's taken advantage of my kindness
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and I'm not sure how to handle it.
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I've tried talking to her about getting a job, but she always has an excuse.
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Either the job market is tough or she's not feeling well.
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I'm tired, torn between.
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I'm torn because I wanna help her, but I also need to think about my own future.
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I'm 55 and I haven't been able to save much for retirement
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because of these expenses.
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I feel guilty saying no, but I'm getting overwhelmed.
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Can you gimme some advice on how to navigate this situation?
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I wanna do what's best for both of us, but I'm not sure where to start.
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Thank you.
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And that was signed.
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A conflicted parent.
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And lemme just tell you that is a powerful question.
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So today we're gonna get into a topic that many of you have been asking me about.
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I've gotten several emails and several notices about this.
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You know what to do when your grown kids won't fly the coop.
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Are your adults kids still at home?
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If they are, you're not alone.
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And so I'm gonna start by asking this very interesting question, and that's this.
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Have you ever stopped to consider just how much it's costing you to support
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your adult children financially?
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And let me just tell you, these numbers might just shock you.
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You ready for this?
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On average, parents spend around and listen to this.
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You're not gonna believe this, about $1,400 a month
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supporting their adult children.
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Now you might be saying, Ralph, what makes that up?
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Well, this includes groceries.
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It includes rent, phone bills, sometimes even credit card bills,
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vacations, tuition, and car expenses for Gen Z and baby boomer parents,
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this financial burden is often higher.
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Listen to this study.
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According to a study, parents who support their adult children could
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lose up to and ready for this one, $227,000 in retirement savings.
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They could lose up to that because they're still supporting their adult children.
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And listen, think about that for a minute.
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This can significantly impact your future financial security.
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Lemme just tell you about some of the common expenses that parents are covering.
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This is what I found in my research in general, grocery 76%, 76% of parents
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are covering some level of groceries.
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44% are covering rent, 39% are covering phone bills.
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23% are covering credit card bills.
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15% are covering vacations, 10% are covering tuition, and car expenses are 8%.
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Hey, this is a significant strain on household budgets, especially for
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those who are near in retirement.
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So I'm gonna give you a bunch of pro tips today, and I'm gonna
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start with this one right away because I wanna give you actionable
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things that you can work on today.
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So here's my first pro trip.
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Track your expenses to understand the full impact of supporting your adult
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children, because if you don't really know how much you're spending, you
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might have just heard me say those things and you're probably thinking,
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Ralph, I don't spend anywhere near that.
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Well, guess what?
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That is the average.
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So if you're tracking these things, that's why I said this is my first
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pro trip is to look at that, see what you're spending because it's
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gonna help you make an informed decision about your financial future.
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So let me ask you this question.
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Have you ever wondered why your adult children are still living at home?
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Because I think that's where we need to start this discussion.
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We talked already about what it's costing you, but let's talk
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about why your adult children are stiffening, still living at home.
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Because I think these reasons might surprise you.
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And when I did my research for the show today, here's what I found.
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The biggest one is financial pressures.
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It's that high cost of living, an expensive house of market.
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It it's expensive to live on your own.
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And here's another thing that a lot of people don't talk about.
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It's that student loan debt.
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All those things are very common.
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So that's the first thing.
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These financial pressures, the high cost of living.
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Yeah, it's expensive.
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My, my, my youngest son is going through this.
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He lives on his own.
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It's not cheap.
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The housing market, especially where we live in our area, is expensive
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and a lot of people are burdened with this student loan debt.
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Another thing, another reason is job market challenges.
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You know, there are precarious work environments.
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It's difficult finding stable, well paying jobs if you've been in the market for
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a job, you know, a lot of people say, well, you know, if you don't wanna work
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right now, you, you, you can find a job.
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Well, that's not necessarily true.
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Again, it depends on your skillset and it depends on your adaptability, whether
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you're willing to take on that job.
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Another big reason is what I'll call societal shifts.
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You know, later age for milestones like marriage and home ownership.
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A lot of people are deciding now, and I'm not saying that I'm disagreeing
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with this, but a lot of people are deciding to get married later.
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They're deciding to buy that hou first house later.
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They're deciding to have children later.
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And that just is a overall societal shift and, and that's okay.
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I'm just wanting to point that out to you as we discuss why people are still,
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our adult children are still in the nest.
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Another one is family dynamics.
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A lot of times we've got really close relationships.
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We that get it comfort of home and that potential for mutual benefit because,
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hey, here's the truth, a lot of children are helping out with their parents.
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They're helping 'em pay bills and maybe they're helping 'em
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with their financial situation.
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Maybe they're helping 'em with doing things around the
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house or those type of things.
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You know, we got this.
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Term that's thrown around called failure to launch, and it's often used to
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describe this situation and see societal comfort levels have shifted on this.
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You know, now it's much more acceptable for adult children to live at home longer.
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So here's my next pro tip.
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You got to understand the reasons behind your child's extended stay so that you
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can help address the root causes and find solutions that work for both of
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you, because that's really the key.
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Hey, it could be a situation like, I was talking to somebody in my
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office here yesterday and she said, you know, Ralph, sometimes
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the kids are asked to stay there.
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The adult children, I call 'em kids, but adult children, they're asked to
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stay there because they're helping out.
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Maybe they're helping with some medical issues, maybe they're
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helping, you know, fund the household.
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I mean, that's just a legitimate thing.
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Now, the, the, the goal of my show today was talk about when those
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adult children won't find the coop, and it's this financial burden.
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So I'm going to make an assumption.
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For today's discussion that we're talking about a situation where they won't leave
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and it's causing a financial struggle.
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So let me move on to the next topic, and let me ask you another question.
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Have you ever considered how supporting your adult children might be
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jeopardizing your own retirement plans?
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And that's what I wanna talk about.
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I wanna park here for just a couple minutes and talk about the financial
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side of this, because here is the truth.
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Many parents prioritize their children's expenses over
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their own retirement savings.
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And listen, I see this time and time again in my practice, people will come in and
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meet with me and I'll sit down with them and they'll say, Ralph, you know, I really
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wanna put more aside for retirement, but I've still got my son living with me, or
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I've still got my daughter living with me.
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And I said, wait a minute.
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These kids are like 30 years old.
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When are they going to fly the cou?
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Or at least contribute to what's going on at the house?
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Because if you don't recognize that we talked about that number, that
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$227,000 number at the beginning of the show today, and that is going to
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impact your retirement, basically you are not able to put away as much money
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because you're paying those expenses.
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And listen, the end of the day, this can lead to delayed retirement or
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even financial secure insecurity later in life and quit and listen to this
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study like I talked about before.
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I. Adult parents who support their adult, excuse me, parents
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who support their adult children.
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Like I said, this is a big number, $227,000 in retirement savings.
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Hey, listen, I don't know about you, but that could have a significant impact
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on your future financial security.
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Now, this is a Christian faith show, so we gotta talk about
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the biblical side of this.
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Now we are called to be good stewards of our resources and plan for the future.
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Proverbs chapter six, verses 68, reminds us to be wise and prepare
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for the future, but it's critical and it's crucial to prioritize your own
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retirement and your emergency funds.
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Now this doesn't mean you can't support your children.
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I am never gonna, you're never gonna hear me say, I don't think
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you should support your children.
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That's not what I'm saying at all.
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But you have to find that balance.
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It's so important to find that balance with your needs and theirs.
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And listen, if you've got a kid that's riding a sofa in the basement, hey,
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it's time to get them, put them to work, maybe charge them some rent.
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So here's another pro tip.
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Set aside a specific portion of your income for retirement savings and
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treat that as a non-negotiable expense.
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And I, I dare say this.
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Make that the first payment.
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Now, if you wanna support your kids, you want to help them
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out, that's fine, but make sure you're covering your basis first.
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Make sure you're putting that money away for retirement later.
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So let's move on to our next big thing to discuss, and let me ask you this.
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Have you struggled with setting those financial boundaries
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with your adult children?
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If you are, you're not alone.
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I hear this time and time again, but listen, it's crucial for
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not only their growth, but also for your financial health.
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Here are some very practical strategies.
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One of the things I wanted to cover on today's show is I wanted
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to make sure I was gonna give you some practical strategies
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of how to handle this situation.
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Because listen, I see this a lot.
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I see this routinely, and it causes struggle.
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So one of the first things I'm gonna tell you to do, I think this one is the
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most crucial thing, is you've got to establish clear rules and expectations.
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You know, you gotta emphasize that need for open communication.
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You need to have a discussion with your kids.
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It's okay to say your kids, listen, I can't continue to
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pay for all these things.
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I can't continue to support you.
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You're able to work, you're able to bring in money now, which leads me to the second
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thing, and this is gonna be controversial.
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A lot of people might send me hate mail about this one, but maybe
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you've gotta consider charging rent.
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Now, again, it depends on the situation.
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If your, if your adult child has the ability to work and they aren't
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helping out around the house, and it doesn't necessarily have to be rent.
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It could be, Hey, you're eating the food here, you're eating the groceries.
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It's costing us more for utilities.
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Our electric bill is more, our water bill is more, Hey,
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I'm paying for your insurance.
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I'm paying for your car payments.
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It is.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Ralph said it.
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It's okay to suggest a reasonable amount or a percentage of
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their income be paid in rent.
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That's just a truth.
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If, if there are, here's a great example.
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Let's say husband and wife, and you've got a kid living there with you.
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Well, basically the truth is maybe that kid needs to kick up a third of that.
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That's what's going on.
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I mean, if you think about if that person's not paying for their groceries,
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if they're not paying for their share of the utilities, which leads me to
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the next practical piece of advice, and that is define who is responsible for
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specific bills and share those expenses.
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It's okay.
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For example, I was dealing with, uh, a friend of mine not too long ago,
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and he was making a list of all the different subscriptions they have to
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their TVs and their internet, and he says, I'm the one paying all these bills.
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He says, Ralph, I don't even watch these things.
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I don't even connect to these things.
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I gave him some really bold advice I said.
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Turn 'em off.
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And I said, and if your kids, you're, and these are adult kids
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we're talking about, these are kids who are, have the capacity to work.
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They have their own jobs.
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I said, turn 'em off.
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And if they want 'em, let them sign up for them in their name.
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Now, the downside to that is he says, yeah, but Ralph, they don't
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even have their own credit cards.
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Well, ding, ding, ding.
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There's another problem.
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Get them to start managing their own money.
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Now, another thing I wanna talk about here in, in the practical
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discussion here is let's have a discussion about loans versus gifts.
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Because you've got to really be clear and you've got to discuss this.
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You've gotta structure financial assistance with either, Hey,
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this is a gift or this is a loan.
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But you've got to be clear about that because what happens from an emotional
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standpoint, if you don't lay that, lay those things out in clear details.
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You may just be building animosity.
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On both of you.
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And listen, I think it's okay if you say to your child, Hey,
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excuse me, you wanna come back for three to six months, that's fine.
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But you are going to need to help out.
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You are going to need to, to, to, to, to contribute.
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And if you are not, then guess what?
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I'm starting a loan.
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I said this to my youngest son one time.
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I said, Hey, I'm not the bank of dad, it's just not the way it works.
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I said, if you wanna, if you want us to pay for stuff, that's fine.
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We'll give you a line of credit.
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But listen, number one, and again, I might get hate messages about this.
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Number one, you're gonna pay us interest.
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Number two, you're going to make us monthly payments.
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Listen, for example, my youngest is on my cell phone bill.
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He has his own job, he has his own place to live, and every month I
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put him on our cell phone bill.
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But I say to him, Hey dude, where's your money for your cell phone bill?
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It's okay to do that.
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It's okay to say, Hey, this is not something we're just
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going to cover in perpetuity.
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You know, you are past the age of when we supported you.
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Another, another practical strategy is limit discretionary spending.
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This is where you've got to focus on their essential needs.
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For example, like I talked about with the person with their subscription
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services, Hey, if you've got a child that's struggling, and again, I
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say adult child, it's not the time to pay for those little extras.
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I had a client in the other day.
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It was kind of funny the way he said it to me, and I dunno
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if I'll recall it directly.
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I think he said, he said he turned 18 and he wasn't going to college
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and all this kind of stuff.
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And his parents said, okay, that's great.
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Well you wanna stay here, that's fine.
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Here's your rent.
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This is what's gonna cost you a month.
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And he said, I remember Ralph.
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He says, well, a week or so ago, or a week or so after that, he said, my
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mom had had had started making dinner.
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And I said, what are we having for dinner?
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She says, this is dinners for your father and I, if you want to eat dinner
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with us, I can certainly make you a plate, but it's gonna be 10 bucks.
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Now, a lot of people might be saying, Ralph, how could they do that?
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Well, again, you're trying to teach your kids to be independent.
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I'm not saying to be nasty with them.
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I'm not saying to be difficult with them, but listen, if you don't start
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to give them the ability to make better decisions, if you don't help build in
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that financial independence, you are going to have a child that is going to
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live with you the rest of your life.
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And guess what?
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You're not gonna be able to afford it.
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Retirement isn't designed to focus on you and your child.
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It's designed to focus on you.
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So focus on those essential needs.
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Now here's another great practical thing.
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Set a timeline.
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You know, discuss the expected duration of a living arrangement
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and the milestones for independence.
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It's okay to say to your child, listen, I know you're struggling right now.
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Maybe they lost their job.
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Maybe they're just outta college, and they just, they're just working
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to get that, that first job.
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It's okay to say to them, Hey, you've got three months, you've got
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six months, you've got nine months.
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But frame that boundary.
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It's a act of love that ultimately benefits them because you're going
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to foster responsibility in them.
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You don't wanna enable them.
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I have seen this so many times.
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I remember two or three years ago, I had a client come in and she was
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almost in tears sitting in my office.
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She goes, Ralph, I'm running outta money because I'm still supporting
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my 50-year-old adult child.
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Well, if you don't have an expectation with them, if you don't set, you
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know, strong limits and all those type of things, you are going to have an
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adult child that's never gonna leave.
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Now, again, I'm not talking about people or adult children who have disabilities.
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I'm not talking about that.
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I'm not talking about adult children who can't do things on their own.
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I'm talking about children who decide not to do things on
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their own because guess what?
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There's a lot of that goes on.
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And remember, look at the book of Ephesians four 15.
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I don't have time to cover it right now, but it reminds us
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about speaking truth and love.
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I'm gonna encourage you to go read it because that's what you need to do here.
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You need to speak truth and love to your, to your adult children
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and say, listen, I really love you.
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I really want to help you, but the best way I can help you is
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not to continue to enable you.
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So here's another pro tip.
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I told you I'd give you a lot of pro tips in here.
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There's a lot of these.
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I've also put 'em in the show notes, but write down the
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boundaries and the expectations you've agreed on with your child.
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I said, you've agreed on, but you've agreed on with your child.
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You know, it, it's like a contract.
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Have a clear written agreement.
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That way you avoid any misunderstandings and conflicts because you don't want that.
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You don't want those, those, those misunderstandings.
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You don't want those conflicts because what happens is, and I actually had
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this in my own family, I'm a, I'll tell a little personal story here.
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About 10 years ago, I guess my, my sister and my mom were living together
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and my mother, uh, God rest her soul.
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She'd just been dead two years now, the other day, and, and I was thinking
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about this the other day, and, and this isn't throwing any negative
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towards my sister, but my mom would constantly put me in the middle of this
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conversation between her and my sister.
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She'd call me and say, Ralph, you know, I don't understand your, your
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sister's not helping out your sisters.
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And again, I'm not choosing sides.
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First of all, and I'll talk about this a little bit later, that sibling rivalry
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thing, but my mom put me on the spot.
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She said, Ralph, you know, can you talk to your sister?
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And I remember I had had enough, one day, my wife and I, we were out to eat one
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night and I said, you know what, I'm done.
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I drove right to my mother's house.
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I will never forget this.
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I, my wife says I'm gonna sit in the car 'cause I don't wanna get involved in this.
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I went in, sat in my mother's rec room and I said to the two of 'em, I said, listen,
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I am tired of being in the middle of this.
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You guys need to figure out your stuff on your own.
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And it was all because there was no clear understanding, there
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was no clear expectation of what was expected of each of them.
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And I said, I don't need to be in the middle of this.
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You need to put those things in writing so that there are no conflicts.
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So let me ask you this, and this is where we're gonna get into some, it's
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gonna be a difficult conversation.
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That's this question.
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Have you ever felt manipulated or guilted by your adult children
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when it comes to financial support?
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Because listen, I've had situations, not in my own life.
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My kids are pretty responsible, especially my oldest son and my youngest son.
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I only have two sons.
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But you know, they're very responsible.
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They know that they're not gonna come to me.
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I'm not the bank of dad anymore.
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But there are situations that I hear about from clients where their adult children
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are, frankly, they're being manipulative.
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They're being, they're being, they're just, just, just nasty to their parents,
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and they're putting a guilt trip on them.
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And listen, if you're a parent listening to this, you've got to recognize those
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things and you've got to address that manipulative behavior because you
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got to set those healthy boundaries.
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I remember one time I was in counseling.
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Yes.
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Ralph went to counseling, believe it or not.
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Well, anyway, this counts.
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He was a Christian counselor, he was an associate pastor at our church.
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And he said, Ralph, and I remember what we were talking about.
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We were talking about boundaries in some regard.
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And he says, Ralph, he says, think about this.
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I live out in the country now.
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He lived out, out, you know, near where I live now.
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And, and he had this house, and right next door to him was an Amish farm.
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Now, Amish farm, if you're not familiar with the Amish, it's
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a very, uh, religious sect.
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They, they don't really use cars, they don't use electricity,
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all that kind of things.
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They're, they're sort of, I don't wanna say negative, in
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a good way, in a good way.
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They're sort of, they're set in their ways.
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They just kind of separate themselves.
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Well, anyway.
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Whole point of the story was he said, you know, I can't really blame my
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neighbor when his cow wanders into my backyard if I haven't built a fence.
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And he says, so what I'm trying to explain to you is I needed to set that boundary.
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Now, once I set the boundary, if his cow was like coming and I got cows,
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I raised black Angus cows, I get it.
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But if you don't set those boundaries, if you don't set those boundaries with your
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kids, you're going to have these problems.
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So it is so important to recognize that manipulative behavior, such as
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guilt trips or emotional blackmail, or, or them playing the victim.
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These tactics can make it difficult to set those boundaries, but you've
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got to recognize those things.
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And as the the listener said here in her message today, she says,
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Ralph, I feel guilty, but I feel like she's taken advantage of me.
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So I promised you some effective strategies.
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So here are some effective strategies for handling that manipulation.
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And the first one is what we just talked about.
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You've got to set clear boundaries, communicate your limits firmly and calmly.
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You don't have to go crazy about it, you don't have to scream about it and
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pound on the walls and throw stuff.
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But communicate your limits firmly and calmly and dare
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I say, put them in writing.
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And then once you do that, once you've had that, what we'll call the meaning
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of the minds, and it might come down to saying, listen, I remember when I was a
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kid, my mom and dad, and mostly my mom.
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'cause I live with my mom.
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My mom and dad split up, but, but my mom said, look, if you
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wanna live under this roof.
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You're gonna follow the rules.
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Well, guess what?
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When I'm an adult child, if I wanna live under their roof,
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I gotta follow the rules.
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That's just the truth.
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And then once you set those boundaries, and look, it might
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be a very difficult conversation.
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It might be one of those conversations that you just do not want to have.
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But listen, as the guy said about the Amish farmer next door, if I don't
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set the boundaries, Ralph, how can I even argue that they're, they're
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going against those boundaries.
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So once you set those boundaries, the next step is to stick to your principles.
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Don't give into emotional pressure.
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Don't give into that.
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The woe is me or the, oh, the sad.
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Oh, I can't find a job.
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Oh, I can't do this.
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I can't do that.
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Now again, there may be reasons why they can't do it, but don't
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buy into that emotional pressure because all you're doing is teaching
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them to be more manipulative.
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Another thing I'm gonna do is tell you to encourage accountability.
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Help your adult children see the consequences of their actions.
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Say to them, Hey, when you don't go to work, is it a big shock
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that you're not getting paid?
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Is it a big shock that you lose your job?
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Is it a big shock?
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You don't take care of yourself.
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These are their consequences.
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And as a parent, and I've learned this, my kids are 23.
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My son will soon be 24.
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My oldest is 27.
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I guess it was about, I don't know, five or 10 years ago.
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I can't remember exactly when, but somebody said this and I
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said, you know, this is brilliant.
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They said, you have to be the parent that allows your children to fail.
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And see, that's not a popular thing to say.
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People get upset when when you say, oh, you know, I can't dare sit there
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and watch my, my children fail.
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But I see adults entering retirement who are failing because of the fact
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that they won't let their children fail.
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I'm gonna tell a very rough story, but there was a time when my youngest son
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decided he wasn't going to school anymore.
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And I told him, I said, dude, when you're 18, there's the door.
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He ended up living in his truck for two weeks and a lot of people say,
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Ralph, how could you do that to him?
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Well, guess what?
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Living in his trucks two weeks, it taught him a very, very important thing.
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And that is, I better work.
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I better make money.
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Yes, it was hard for me.
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It was hard for me to do that for him.
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And you notice I said, do that for him.
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I didn't say do that to him.
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I said to do that for him because it doesn't help anybody if you are not
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showing them how to be independent.
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Which leads me to my next thing that I think you really need to consider doing,
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and that is if you're in that situation where there's manipulation, hey, it
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could even be threats of violence and all those sort of things, that's when
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you need to bring in professional help.
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Maybe consider family therapy or, or counseling if you need it, because
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there is a point where you, maybe you can't get past the manipulation.
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You know, there's maybe there was other things going on.
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I don't know exactly what's going on in your world, but maybe there
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was other things and you really need somebody to sit down and help with you.
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The Bible has principles on honesty and integrity as well, and they can help
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guide us with this manipulative behavior.
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Look at Proverbs 1222.
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When you get a chance, it reminds us that the Lord detest lying lips, but the
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delights in people who are trustworthy.
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So my big takeaway here is try to find that balance between love and
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firmness, because that's really the key.
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So here's another pro tip.
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Listen to me on this one.
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And again, these will all be in the show notes.
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Practice assertive communication techniques to express your needs and
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those boundaries clearly and confidently.
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Let me say that again.
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Be assertive.
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Be assertive in communicating what you want for your needs and your boundaries.
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Make them clear and say them with confidence.
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This is your home.
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These are your resources.
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As I said to a client the other day, you have no obligation to provide
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for an adult child that has the capacity to provide for themselves.
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And again, I caution you to say.
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I'm saying very clearly if they have the ability to take care of themselves.
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So here's another important question to ask.
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Have you ever experienced that sibling rivalry?
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We talked about this a few minutes ago, or the tension among your children due
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to the financial support you provide?
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Listen, I see this all the time.
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It kind of happened a little bit in my world.
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I shared that with my, my mom and sister because if you don't address
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these dynamics, you are going to struggle with financial harmony.
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Listen, I remember growing up, my sister's about three and a half years
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younger than me, they're sibling already.
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If one child perceives that another is receiving more financial support
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or more favor, man, you are in for it.
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You are going to have tension and you are going to have
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resentment within the family.
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So let's take a few minutes and just talk about some practical
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strategies to avoid that or to correct it if you are in that position.
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Because let me just tell you, those type of things will cause problems that will
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reverberate for the rest of your days.
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You will always have that child that says, well, my, and I hear this all the time.
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Well mom always bailed him out or, or Dad always bailed, hurt out.
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You need to stop that.
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I'm not saying that every child gets treated the same, because you may,
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like I said, you may have a child that doesn't have the capacity, or maybe
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they, they didn't have the skills, but you need to coach them on this.
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But here are some practical strategies to get past that.
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The first thing I go back to communication again, you've got to
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be transparent in your communication.
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Explain your decisions openly and honestly to all your children.
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If there is something that you're doing for one and you're not
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doing to the other, then sit down and have a discussion about it.
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Another I'm gonna encourage you is what I call equal opportunity.
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I met with a client yesterday.
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Here's an example of this.
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His grandmother just passed away.
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Now he's, he's got two other brothers now.
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I don't know the circumstances of the whole thing, but the grandmother left
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him her house and he sat down with me and he says, Ralph, he says, you
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know what I, I don't wanna get into all that, but he says, what I'm doing
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is as soon as this house sells, I'm gonna share it with everybody because
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I think, and he didn't say this, but I think what he was saying is like, I
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don't know why my grandmother did this.
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She kind of put me in this bad spot.
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So again, if you're a parent listening to this, give your children equal
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opportunity, ensure that each child has the opportunity to receive support
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based on their needs and circumstances.
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Again, if you have a child that has special needs, and I'm
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talking about adult children here.
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If you have an adult child that needs your help, then there may be
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seasons where you have to help them.
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There may be seasons where they live with you.
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Maybe they've went through a divorce, maybe they've gone through a job change,
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maybe they've lost their job, maybe they were injured, maybe they had a disability.
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All of those things can happen and that's when you have that
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conversation as a family.
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You sit down and you talk about, which I'm gonna get to here in a second, but
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you sit down and have a conversation and say, listen, hey, Joe broke his leg.
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Joe can't afford to work right now.
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He, maybe he works in construction, you say, and he can't afford
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to make his car payment, or he can't afford to live on his own.
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He can't afford his rent.
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Well, guess what?
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Mom and dad are.
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Dad and I are going to support Joe, but here's the plan.
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We're gonna do it for six months.
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Here's his expectation is when we get past it, he's gonna pay us back.
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It all comes down to what I'm going to say next, and that is when you're
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dealing with multiple children.
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You've got to set clear expectations, establish those clear rules and
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those clear expectations for any financial assistance and communicate
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these to all of your children.
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It is so important that you don't talk to one and not talk to the other.
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That's one of the things, and I don't mean to hold it against my mom,
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but she did this her entire life.
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She would always play one against another, and all it did was cause problems.
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Not for her and I, but for my sister and I, and when she would constantly
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call me, Ralph, your sister's not doing this, your sister's doing this.
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And I said, mom, I said, it's not my responsibility.
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This is your responsibility.
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And that's why I finally, I had enough, I pulled 'em all into the room together.
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I said, we're gonna figure this out because this is
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not, this is not my circus.
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This is not my issue.
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Another thing I'm gonna tell you is, as we talk about sibling rivalry,
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is to encourage independence.
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This goes with whether you're dealing with siblings or you're just dealing
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in general, you've got to encourage independence from your children.
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They are not intended to be under your arm, under your care
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for the rest of their lives.
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Yes, you can love them, you should love them, you should pray for them.
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You should want to be a part of their lives.
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But listen, you've got to start to build that independence.
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I think that's one of the, okay, Rob's gonna get on his soapbox here
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for a minute, but I think that's one of the biggest problems that we have
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is we're raising kids that aren't being taught to be independent.
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We raised our two boys to be independent.
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We taught them about money.
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We taught them about handling their laundry, for example.
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We taught them about how to cook, how to do all those things.
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I was talking with a lady that works here with me, and she
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said this yesterday to me.
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She says, Ralph, I was one of those latchkey kids.
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And I said, you know, I was too.
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My mom and dad split up.
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Guess what?
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Mom had to go back to work.
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So I would get home from school around three o'clock, three 15,
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whatever, and I had some expectations.
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My mom expected me to start dinner.
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My mom expected me to handle my homework.
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My mom expected me to do things.
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Well, guess what?
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Now I could look back at that and say, well, that really stunk.
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It would've been nice if my mom was home, but guess what?
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And I said this to my colleague.
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I said, you know what?
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I said That built me into the person I am today.
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It really did.
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It made me understand the importance of being independent.
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And listen, if you don't take away anything else from today's show,
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encourage your children to be independent and start that young you don't need.
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And see, here's one of the problems.
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From a psychological perspective, I'm not a counselor.
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I'm not a psychiatrist.
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Don't even play one on tv.
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But I think sometimes parents actually build that dependence because
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the parent doesn't wanna let go.
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You're not helping your kids out by doing that.
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You're doing them a disservice.
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My wife has a brother.
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He's the same age as I am.
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He cannot do anything on his own because his parents never let or
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never taught him to be independent.
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Now, he has some issues that I think prevented some of that, but
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they could have done a better job.
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So you've got to foster that sense of independence and teach that
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responsibility and every child, regardless of the support they receive.
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If you are going to help a child, then make sure you're
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looking at what is the end here?
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What is the, what is the deadline, what is that time?
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We talked about that a little bit earlier in the show.
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What are you trying to get to to where they can find that
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independence and be on their own?
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Now, here's another thing I'm gonna encourage, and
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that is have family meetings.
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You know, one of the things that could have prevented this whole issue
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with my mom and sister and I is if my mom just said, you know what?
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I'm gonna call your brother and the three of us are gonna get down.
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Now again, I don't think I should have been involved.
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It wasn't my house.
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I wasn't paying any of their bills.
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But again, that would've been fine.
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Have a family meeting.
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So I'm gonna encourage you, if you're going through these situations, hold
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those regular family meetings to discuss these financial matters and
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address any concerns or tensions.
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Have a frank discussion.
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But again, stand your ground.
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It's your house, it's your resources.
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So consider this.
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Here's another pro tip.
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Maybe you wanna create a family budget that outlines the financial
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support each child receives, and then share it with them.
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This can help ensure the transparency, it can help ensure fairness, and it can
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reduce the potential for sibling rivalry.
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As an example, I know about, I guess it was about 30 years ago, my mom had two
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sisters, and my, my mom's youngest sister, I guess it would be my, my youngest,
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my, my aunt all tied up here nuts.
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But anyway, my grandparents on my mother's side helped her out by buying her a home.
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And at the time I remembered the discussion, and I don't know why
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I was involved in this, but again, my mom shared everything with me.
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That's what happens when, when your parents get divorced and you're
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left to be the man in the house.
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But that's a discussion for a whole nother day.
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But anyway.
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What was conveyed to me, what I heard was that, hey, we're helping out
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your aunt so that when when we pass away, your aunt is going to get less.
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And again, this is all part of that transparency.
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It's all part of that fairness.
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But you've got to build it in because what you don't wanna create, and I've seen this
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so I, I say this in my practice all the time, death brings out the ugly in people.
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Like people who are very nice people, people who get along with their brothers
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and sisters and aunts and uncles.
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Man, when somebody dies, it's like game on.
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Sometimes they do stuff, you're like, where did that come from?
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But now let's consider this.
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Have you ever wondered, and this is where we're gonna get biblical, have you
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ever wondered how biblical principles can help guide you in supporting
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your adult children financially?
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And these answers might just surprise you.
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See, I always wanna bring it back to that because I think that's
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where we truly find the answers.
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Biblically speaking, transitions from parental, a authority to a, to an adult,
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to adult relationships based on, they should be based on respect and honor.
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This is essential.
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This is all throughout scripture.
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You need to understand that that relationship needs to be
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based on respect and honor.
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It talks in the Bible about, you know, respect your children, honor your parents.
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You know, scriptures, and I'm gonna encourage you to read these.
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I don't have time to cover 'em today, but scriptures like Ephesians, chapter six
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verse one, Genesis chapter two, verse 24.
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They guide us in understanding the changing dynamics of those
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parent-child relationships.
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That's all biblical.
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Yes, you can tie it back right to that there is biblical for what I'm
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talking about today and helping a child in genuine need is different
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from enabling their dependence.
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I'm not talking about helping a child that's in need.
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I'm not saying that.
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I'm not saying that you shouldn't help your adult child because guess what?
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We all have issues in our lives.
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I recorded a show today and I don't wanna spill it, but I talked about how
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when I was about 20 years old, I wasn't independent, I was still in college.
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My dad was paying my bills in, man, I had a car issue.
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So I'm gonna encourage you to check in or check out next Tuesday's episode.
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When I talk about that, I talk about emergency funds.
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But see, sometimes you've got to be that parent that steps
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'em and say, you know what?
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There's a genuine need here, but that is completely different than enabling.
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So how do you handle that?
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Well, you gotta trust God's guidance in your child's life and
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allow them to learn from their experiences and their consequences.
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Talked about this a few minutes ago.
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It's okay to watch your children fail.
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You know, that's not a popular thing to say.
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People don't, you know, people are like, oh, Ralph, I can't
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believe you just said that.
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Well, guess what?
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They're never gonna learn if they don't fail.
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Now, you know, my dad was always going, you know, son, you can
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learn from other people's failures.
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Yes, you would hope so.
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But I think there comes a time.
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If you don't, if you're not careful about this, you will enable your children.
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So let them make those decisions.
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Make them suffer the consequences.
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Now, I'm not telling you to make 'em do something they
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can't get back from, not at all.
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That's a time when you might need to step in.
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But you've got to start building a, a balance between support and
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self-reliance because it is so very important to balance support with
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that biblical call for independence.
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You know, it's a tough thing to balance.
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It's tough, especially if you're in one of those manipulative situations
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or in that, on that guilt trip.
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And again, this is where you've gotta trust God's guidance in your child's life.
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You know, hopefully you've brought the child up in understanding
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who the Lord is and, and understanding what that looks like.
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And then again, like I said, let them learn from their experiences
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and have their consequences.
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It's crucial.
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Another thing it talks about in the Bible is open communication.
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That's all throughout the Bible.
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You've got to reinforce the importance of respectful dialogue.
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No, don't let your kids sit there and tear you down.
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Don't let your kids sit there and manipulate you and put
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you into a position of guilt.
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Look at the book of Proverbs 15, one.
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It reminds us that a gentle answer turns away wrath, but then the
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next thing it says, it says, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
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So here's another pro tip.
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I wanna encourage you to do this.
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Schedule regular financial check-ins with your adult child
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to discuss their progress, discuss their challenges and their goals.
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Now listen, one of the rules that my wife and I have is we don't get into
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our kids' finances unless they come to us and say, mom, dad, I need help.
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Listen, if they need help, guess what?
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Game on.
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I'm an accountant.
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I wanna see your bank statements.
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I wanna see your credit card statements.
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I want to see your bank.
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I wanna see your, your pay stubs.
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I want to know where your money's going.
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You might be saying, wait a minute, that's intrusive on your kid.
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No, it's not.
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If that kid comes to me, and I'm talking about adult kids here,
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I'm talking about younger kids, I'm talking about adult kids.
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If that adult kid comes to me and says, oh mom, oh dad, I need help.
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That sounds, Hey, great.
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Then you know what?
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We're gonna look at it all because that will help you keep
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the lines of communication open.
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Now, if they don't wanna share it, that's fine.
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Then don't ask us for money.
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It's really that simple.
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But make sure you leave those communication lines open and foster
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that sense of accountability.
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They need to be accountable.
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So let me ask you this.
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Have you ever felt at a loss on just how to encourage your adult children
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to become financially independent?
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We've kind of been going around the bend on this, so I'm gonna give you
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some strategies that will help you.
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I'm gonna call them actionable advice for parents.
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How do we get them to be financially dependent?
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'cause we talked about, you know, why they should be.
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We talked about how to handle manipulation.
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We talked about how to communicate.
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We talked about the prayer side of this.
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How do you actually foster?
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What are the actionable things that you can do as parents to help
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build that financial independence?
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I think one of the things that you absolutely have to do is
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be open and communicate your expectations and timelines.
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Be clear and consistent.
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If you have a belief that your child should be out of the house at a certain
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date, at a certain age, then you've got to communicate that it's not fair to a kid
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or an adult kid to say, Hey, you've been sitting around this house for three years
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now, and when are you gonna do something?
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If you've never said to them, Hey, our expectation, my expectation of your
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single parent is this, if you don't do that, if you don't set that up, you
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can't blame your kid for, for surfing on the couch the rest of their life.
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If you've not given them an X ramp, if you've not said to them,
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Hey, here's the expectation, here's what we expect from you.
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Which leads me to the next thing, and this is things I think a lot of parents screw
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up, and that is you've got to gradually phase out that financial assistance.
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I'm not telling you to turn off the spigot right away, man, that's not
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the way to do it, because you could cause reverberations with them.
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That could go on and on and on.
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But you've got to look at a phased in approach and communicate this.
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Have that discussion know, Hey listen, for the next six months, dad and I are
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gonna pay for this, this, and this.
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Then after that six months we're gonna pay for this, this, and this,
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and look at it as a way for them to build that self-sufficiency gradually.
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It's kinda like when you were growing up, you know, no kid was earning enough
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money for the set, the set, or the Friday night dance and, and paying their
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car payment, all this kind of stuff.
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But you know what, you've got to build in that gradual climb to where they're
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able to take those steps on their own.
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Which leads me to the next thing.
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You've got to teach financial literacy.
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We are doing a terrible job in this country of teaching our
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kids basic financial literacy.
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Yes, I said it.
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And the problem is, for the most part, most adults don't
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have good financial literacy.
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That's just a truth bomb.
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Well, if you're not teaching your kids because you don't know how to
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do it, guess what they're gonna be?
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There's gonna be a problem.
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So teach them about budgeting.
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Maybe you gotta learn it.
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At the same time, teach them about emergency funds, about managing
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money, about saving retirement and understanding credit.
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Because here's the truth, when I have a client come in and they start telling me
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about the financial woes they're having, nine times outta 10, I can look at
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their parents and say, I would bet that your parents had those same struggles.
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Or if I look at kids like adult kids who maybe in their young twenties and
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they can't save and they can't, you know, manage their money, I can look
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at their parents and go, I bet your parents struggle with the same thing.
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And I'm not picking on, I'm not judging anybody.
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It is just a truth.
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I. So you've got to start to foster that education at a young age.
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I remember with my two boys, Hey, listen, and I'm not telling you, I'm not sitting
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here preaching you, telling you I made all the right decisions because guess what?
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I made a ton of mistakes.
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But one of the things we taught our kids is how to manage money.
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We taught them how to budget money and my, my oldest son, this kid
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is a kid, kid, he's 27 years old.
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I probably should stop calling him a kid if he's listened to this.
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I apologize.
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Just a, he, he, he's a good, he's a good egg as they say.
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But he took the lesson, he learned from us about budgeting.
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He learned about having that emergency fund.
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He learned about saving for retirement.
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And that's because we made that a point.
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We made.
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We taught them what that was like.
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We gave them an allowance that they worked for.
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It wasn't just that we just hand out the money.
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There was expectations.
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In fact, when he decided to go to college, I said to him, listen, your mom and I
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aren't paying for college, and we had the capacity to do it, but I said to him.
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You need to have skin in the game.
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Which leads me to the next thing.
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Encourage your children, adult children.
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Encourage employment, encourage career development.
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One of the things that just drives me crazy is when I hear parents that
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say, ah, you know, my kids are good.
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You know, they, they'll figure it out and they, they, they're
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having their fun summer.
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That's a bad plan.
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You've got to encourage employment.
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You've gotta encourage career development.
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Listen, maybe they're not made for college.
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That's okay.
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Not everybody is designed for college, but start to give them some,
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uh, some information about trade.
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Show them different career paths, and then listen.
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Support their career goals.
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If they need help to get motivated, find ways to motivate
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them, take them to career fairs.
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Start that early.
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Explain to them what people do.
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You know, one of the things that we did when our kids were younger, and
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I have an accounting practice, so I was around a lot of business people,
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but whenever a business person and I, it just reminded me of a funny story.
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Let me tell this story.
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So I'll never forget.
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One day we were out to eat and I think it was my wife and myself and my younger son.
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I think my older son was at boarding school at the time.
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He went to military boarding school.
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And I will never forget this discussion.
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We were getting ready to go into a restaurant down in Smyrna, Delaware.
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Uh, there was a diner there, it's called the Smyrna Diner.
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And I remember it was really aggravating to me 'cause my, my youngest son
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would always order a bunch of food and he would never finish it.
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And I wasn't, I didn't have an issue with paying for his meal.
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I really got annoyed when he would order food and not, not, not, not, not eat it.
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So anyway, long story short, waitress comes up.
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I knew this lady, I think she was actually a client of mine.
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And, and I said to my son, I said, you don't realize how much money
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these waitresses and waiters make.
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He goes, dad, oh, come on.
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What are you trying to say?
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And I said, the money that you're throwing away in food, that waitress
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right there doesn't even earn in an hour.
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And he, he said, what, what are you talking about, dad?
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And, and I said to her, I can't remember her name.
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Let's say her name was Leslie.
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I don't remember her name.
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Let's say it was Leslie.
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And Leslie came up to the table and I said, Leslie, can I ask
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you a really simple question?
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And she goes, sure, sure.
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I said, can you tell my son what your hourly rate here is in the restaurant?
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And she goes, oh, Cheryl, I don't mind telling him.
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She says, I make $2 and 33 cents an hour.
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Now, at the time, that was the quote, minimum wage for,
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for servers or for waitresses.
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And my son looks at me and looks at his mom and she, he gets $2 an hour.
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I said, yeah, and I said, and think about all the food you're wasting.
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Now, she also made money with tips and all that, but again, we taught
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our children at a very young age that responsibility, which is what I'm going
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to say next, and that is you've got to model responsible financial behavior.
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You've gotta lead by example.
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If you're not leading by example, why do you wonder that your kids are struggling?
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Now, you can also support your kids in non-financial ways.
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It doesn't have to always be about money.
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You can offer them career advice.
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Maybe you can help them write a resume.
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Maybe you're good at at writing stuff.
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Maybe you're good at helping them do job searches.
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I know when our youngest was looking for a job, my wife was on the on those job
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search items, and she was just shooting 'em text after text and email after email
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and saying, Hey, apply for this job.
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Hey, apply for this job.
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Hey, do you need me to help you write a resume?
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Do you want me to help you fill out the applications?
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Because that is the key to it.
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You don't, it doesn't always come down to dollars and cents.
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It can also be things that you can do to help them along the path.
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So offer that career advice to them and offer that resume help.
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And another big thing you've got to do is set concrete financial goals together.
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If you're going to be successful in transitioning your children into
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being independent adult children, then sit down and work on some goals, put
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some time in there, set achievable goals, and then celebrate those.
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You know, encourage your children when they save that emergency
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fund or when they don't have that.
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Like a couple weeks ago, my youngest son said to me, he says, dad, I'm so happy.
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He says, I paid off my credit card.
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I said, son, that is fantastic.
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That is a great thing.
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And he said, listen.
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He said, dad, I don't ever want to get in that situation again.
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So I pulled him aside.
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I said, okay, let's talk about how you can get to that.
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So here's another pro tip with your adult children, maybe you need to use
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visual age, maybe a budgeting worksheet or, or maybe some financial goal charts.
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These are all over the internet.
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I'm gonna even encourage you maybe set up an appointment or a Zoom call
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to have me sit down and talk to you.
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You can do that by going to ask ralph.com.
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I have helped many families.
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In fact, you can even get them a copy of my first book.
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If you go to ask ralph.com, you can see my book.
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It's called Mastering Your Finances.
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It's 47 pages, but that can be a good discussion point to have as a family.
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Show them the financial concepts.
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Make them tangible and engage them, you know, as their younger kids.
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I remember when I was a kid, one of the things my mom did with me is she
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would, you know, put the change out.
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And that's how, you know, I learned to count and learn so many things.
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But I also learned, you know, what's a quarter?
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What's a dime, what's a nickel?
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So let's talk about next communicating with your adult children.
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Let me ask you this question.
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Have you ever struggled to have that open and honest conversations?
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Maybe you're saying, Ralph, that sounds great, but I can't
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even have this conversation.
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So let me give you some effective ways to resolve these issues.
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I'm gonna give you some tips for effective communication.
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Now, first thing I'm gonna tell you.
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This is true.
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Listen, if you're a married man or you're married women, you got
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a choice the right time and place.
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You gotta do the same thing with your kids.
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This is, this is not the time to have that discussion.
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When you're angry with your child or you're angry with your adult child,
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or you're upset about something they're done, that is not the time.
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You are too emotionally keyed up.
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Pick and choose your time and pick and choose your place and
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ensure that setting is conductive to a productive conversation.
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This is not the time to be in front of the tv.
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This is not the time for everybody to be on their cell phones.
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Park those things in a basket.
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Maybe get in the car, go somewhere, leave the phones at home, go
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to the park, do something.
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You've got to ensure that you've got the right time and place because it will
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not be productive if you don't have a spot to have a productive conversation.
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The next thing I'm gonna encourage you to do is express your
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intentions clearly and honestly, be transparent about your feelings.
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It's okay for you as a parent to say, listen, this is my expectation of you.
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I've said this to both of my children.
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I said, I don't mind helping you, but my expectation is this.
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If you come to me like I talked about a few minutes ago, if you come to
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me looking for assistance, I will give it to you by, here's the catch.
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I'm going to go over your budget.
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What?
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What?
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Yes.
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I'm gonna look at your bank statements.
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I'm gonna look at your credit card statements and all of those things
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because I am going to be transparent.
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But I'm also gonna tell you, this is what I do for a living, and as a
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parent, you should do the same thing.
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Encourage your children to do this and then listen at times.
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Shut up.
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Just actively listen to your child's perspective, because guess what, parents,
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we don't always have the right answers.
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It's okay.
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And I'm gonna encourage you show empathy, you know, have some understanding.
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And one of the things that the listener said was, she feels
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like she's being manipulated.
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She always can't find a job.
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I'm not saying she's not, that's not true.
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But what I would say is my re return to that would be was sit down with the
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child and say, what are the obstacles?
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You know, if they're just saying, well, I can't find a job.
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Okay, what are you doing to find that job?
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You know, where are you putting in application?
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Listen, we went through this with my youngest and my wife and I would
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constantly say to them, okay, where are you putting in applications?
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Why didn't do that yet?
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Okay, well when are you gonna do it?
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See if you do that and actively listen.
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They're gonna tell you what's going on, and then you can act on those things.
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Again, for clear communications, you've got to define those clear
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boundaries of support and set firm yet fair limits, and then be transparent
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about your own financial situation.
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If you are struggling to put a money aside for retirement, say to your child,
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listen, mom and dad, or maybe you're just a single parent, we can't afford to
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do this, or I can't afford to do this.
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Here's how much I need to be setting aside for retirement.
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And if your children love you and if they understand that, that will be conducive.
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To them getting on their own.
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But again, you've got to create a supportive and empathetic environment
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and foster a positive atmosphere.
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And again, another tip I'm gonna give you is frame actions as helping them to grow.
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This is not the time to sit there and judge 'em and say, I can't
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believe you haven't saved any money.
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I can't believe you don't have a job.
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Because guess what?
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This is what they're gonna hear, blah, blah, blah.
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They're not gonna hear you.
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They're not gonna hear you.
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So you've got to frame these things as helping them grow.
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Emphasize their growth, emphasize their independence.
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And here's another thing I'm gonna encourage you to do, is share
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your own past financial mistakes.
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Share those mistakes.
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Share the lessons that you learned and tell them what you learned from them.
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Because here's the thing, and this is the truth, kids are like sponges.
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Adult kids are the same way.
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When they hear, oh, mom had this struggle.
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Oh, dad had this struggle, they will understand it.
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You will build up a positive relationship with them because
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they're going hear how you struggled.
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Because then they're gonna say, oh, because here's the thing.
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You remember as a kid, used to assume your, your parents never been through
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what you've been through, right?
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They never, oh, their parents never did that.
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But if you show them, Hey, here's the mistakes I made.
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You know, I shared this with my own kids.
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Like I got myself in way over my head in college with co, with credit card debt.
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I said, here's what you don't want to do.
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And then the other thing I want you to do, two more things I'm gonna
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encourage you to do, and I know we've gone a long time today, but I just
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wanted to really share this today.
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'cause this is a question I get asked time and time again.
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But the last two things, here's the thing I want you to do.
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Emphasize your belief and their abilities.
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You know, be that champion for them, be the coach for them, and encourage
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them to believe in themselves.
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And this is one of the things that I've not gonna done a good job at.
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This is one of the things that, as I, as I say this today, as I plan for this show,
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I said, you know what, I could have done a better job of, of encouraging my children.
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And I'm gonna encourage you to do that.
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Encourage them, tell them that they have the ability to do it.
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Because listen, you have the capacity to break that child, but you also
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have the capacity to help them.
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And the final thing I'm gonna say is celebrate their achievements, acknowledge
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them, and praise their progress.
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And here is a huge pro tip.
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If you're having a communication, use I statements to express your feelings and
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needs without, uh, sounding accusatory.
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This is just, this is a good thing to talk about in life.
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For example, I feel overwhelmed when instead of, you always make me feel.
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See, here's the deal.
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If you're constantly pointing your finger and you're constantly telling
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'em about you, you, you, they're not, they're gonna phase you out.
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But when you say to them, I feel, I sense I need, then you're
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going to get through to them.
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So let's end the show with this question.
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'cause I think we need to talk about how other people have handled.
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So have you ever wondered how other families have navigated the challenge
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of supporting adult children?
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I'm gonna share with you some examples that I've seen over my lifetime.
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I wanna share some things I've found on some social media, and I think these
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things will just be an encouragement to The first one is called The Job Seeker.
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Now this is Sarah, a 27-year-old.
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She moved back home with her, her parents after graduation because
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she was struggling to find a job in her field and she was relying on
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her parents for financial support.
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Now, her parents decided to set a six month deadline.
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I've talked about this a couple times in this show, and they
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said to her, Sarah, that's great.
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You can move back in with us.
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Here are rules.
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Here's what you're gonna pay for, but there's a six month deadline.
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Well, what happened?
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Sarah found a job.
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And, and during that time, they agreed they would pay her basic expenses, not,
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not her, not her once, but her needs.
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And they also helped her by connecting her to a career counselor.
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And they encouraged her to take on part-time work.
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In the meantime.
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And from what I understand, Sarah actually got a job that was a full-time
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job because of her parents encouraging her to do that part-time work.
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Here's another case study, another, another story I heard,
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and that's called The Entrepreneur.
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This guy named Mike.
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Now, he was a 30-year-old aspiring entrepreneur who lived
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with his parents while he was trying to start his own business.
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A lot of people do that, you know, they're trying to get
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that business off the ground.
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Now, his parents agreed to support him for a year.
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They said, look, we'll support you for a year.
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But here was their understanding.
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They had an understanding with him that he would take on a part-time job to
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cover some of his household expenses.
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They set clear boundaries.
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Uh, about which business expenses they will cover and not cover.
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They weren't going to fund his, you know, his resort living lifestyle
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or whatever that looked like.
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They said, here's what we're willing to do, here's what we're willing to pay for.
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And finally, I call this one the student.
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Now this is Emily.
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She was a 25-year-old graduate student who's living in home to save money.
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And again, her parents agreed to cover her living expenses while she's in school.
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I think that's a reasonable thing to do with the expectation that she's
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gonna contribute to household chores, she's gonna maintain good grades, and
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they also established a plan for her to start paying rent once she graduated
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and finds a job because they want to.
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You wanna build that encouragement.
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So here's my final pro tip.
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Tailor your approach to your child's unique situation.
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'cause listen.
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What works for one family might not work for another family.
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I don't know all the, the details, I don't know all the nuances of
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what's going on in your family.
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I, I can't answer a question that says, well, you must do one, two, and three.
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That's why I have given you a ton of ideas, a ton of pro tips, a
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ton of weight practice ideas to do this, because I don't know exactly
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what the dynamic is in your house.
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I don't know what training you have or haven't given your kids.
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I don't know what needs your kids have, but I will tell you this
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big overall thing, the key is open communication and clear expectations,
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because here in the end, remember, I.
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You're not alone in this journey.
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That's one of the beautiful things about this.
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Why I love doing this show.
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God is with you and his guidance, his guidance for you is just a prayer away.
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And that is so important because prayer is a powerful tool that can bring you peace.
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It can bring you wisdom, and it's okay, and it can bring you clarity even
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in the most challenging situations.
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It's a way to invite God into your struggles and trust them because
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listen, God has a plan for this.
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So as you're praying, ask him about wisdom.
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Ask for wisdom in setting those boundaries and making decisions
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about financial support.
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Seek his guidance in helping you find the path for your independent or for your
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children's independence and give listen.
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Now, a lot of people say, don't pray about patients, but I'm gonna put it here.
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I'm gonna say, pray for patients.
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Pray for understanding as you navigate this journey together.
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Because guess what?
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You're going through it and so are your children.
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And I'm gonna talk to you about provision.
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Trust God to provide for your needs and your child needs according to his will.
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I'm not saying to just sit there and don't do anything about it, but, and
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the final thing I think you should pray for is unity, because let me just
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tell you, I've seen this play out, pray for unity and harmony within your
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family because even in the face of sibling rivalry or financial strain,
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that is what you really need to have.
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So let's get to our key takeaways for today.
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I just wanna summarize, it's important to understand the
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financial reality and the reasons behind your child's extended state.
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You need to understand why.
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That's the first starting point.
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I started with that and I stand by that.
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Then you've gotta sell, set healthy boundaries.
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You gotta deal with those manipulative behaviors, address that sibling
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rivalry and approach the situation from a Christian perspective.
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I wanna encourage you to encourage them with financial
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independence and start that young.
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Do it through open communication.
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Do it through education and setting goals together, and then maintain a
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supportive and empathetic environment during these conversations.
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Remember this, the power of prayer in seeking God's guidance and trusting him
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is in his divine plan for your family.
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Now listen, as I, as I close out today, Navi, navigating
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this situation is a journey.
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It is not a destination, and it's gonna require grace and wisdom.
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You're doing what's best for both of you.
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Hear me on this.
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If you've gotten to this point of the show, you are doing
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what's best for both of you, and you're taking the right approach.
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And if you do that right approach, you can help your child
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achieve financial independence while securing your own future.
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So I want to encourage you, if you want more of what I can on the show every
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day, you can come to ask ralph.com.
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But I also wanna encourage you to sign up for our newsletter.
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The newsletter will give you a daily dose of Ralph.
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You can find out what's going on in the show.
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I have tips and resources and all kinds of stuff to help you
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become part of our community.
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You get to that by going to ask Ralph podcast.com/newsletter because I wanna
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encourage you to be a part of our community and let's support each other.
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So as I close, reflect on your own situation, pray for wisdom and
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guidance, and consider having open conversations with your child.
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And if needed, seek help from trusted advisors or pastors.
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And remember this as I close today.
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God is with you in this journey.
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Trust his guidance and know that you are doing what's best for both of you.
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And with love and firmness, you can help your child grow Intel
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responsible and independent adult.
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So thank you for joining me today.
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Be sure to tune in next time.
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I think Craig will be back next week for more insights on faith and finance.
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And until then, stay blessed and stay wise and God bless you and goodbye.
