What are the ten money habits which are hurting my relationships?

Ralph Estep Jr.:
00:00

Have you ever felt a strain in your closest relationships because of money? Maybe an argument with your spouse about spending habits, or tension with a friend over unpaid debts? We've all been there. I've been there. The truth is, bad money habits can do a real number on our relationships, but the good news is this, good money habits can actually strengthen them.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
00:28

Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Ask Ralph Show. It's Motivational Monday, and you know what that means. It's time to tackle those tough questions head on. The ones that keep us up at night, the ones we sometimes avoid even thinking about. Today, we're diving deep into a topic that hits close to home for many of us. That's the intersection of our finances and our relationships.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
00:51

You know, I love hearing from you all. And this week's question really got me thinking. It comes from Sally in Ohio. And Sally writes this. "Dear Ralph, I really enjoy your show and the practical advice you give. I'm struggling right now because my husband and I keep fighting about money. We both work hard, but we can never seem to get ahead, and it's causing a lot of stress in our marriage. Do you have any advice on how to fix this before it's too late?"

Ralph Estep Jr.:
01:19

Sally, your story's truly heartbreaking. But you're not alone. This is something I hear every day. I personally felt this many times in my marriage and I'm going to share some things that I've gone through in today's show.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
01:32

The truth is, money problems are one of the leading causes of stress and conflict in relationships. But don't lose hope. Today, we're going to break down 10 common money habits that could be hurting your relationships. And more importantly, we'll discuss practical steps to replace those habits with ones that will bring you closer together and not tear you further apart. And for those who might already be feeling the strain, we'll talk about how to start rebuilding those bridges and start restoring that trust.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
02:05

Now, before we get started, let's take a moment to center ourselves with a verse from Proverbs. It says this, "the plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." That's in Proverbs 21:5. This verse reminds us that it's not just about how much money we make, but more importantly, how we manage it. And that requires diligence and careful planning. And you know what? When we manage our money well, it removes a lot of stress and anxiety from our lives, which in turn benefits our relationships.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
02:42

All right. Well, let's get down to business. Here are 10 money habits that could be sabotaging your relationships. Number 1. Financial infidelity. Hiding purchases, secret accounts, lying about spending- these are all forms of financial infidelity and can be just as damaging as any other kind of betrayal.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
03:05

As a personal story, I remember my first marriage. My then wife was getting ready to stop working so she could finish her teaching degree. But it meant she would not be receiving a paycheck for six months. I decided without even consulting her to go and buy one of those 60-inch projection TVs. You know, the ones that took up that whole wall in the room, and really were just a big piece of furniture.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
03:27

I was so selfish in this spending and didn't even consider the major impact that it would have on our marriage. And it wasn't too long after that that we actually divorced. While it was not infidelity per se, surely a reflection of my commitment to the marriage. And it was a huge mistake.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
03:47

Let's talk about number 2. And that's lack of communication. Not talking openly and honestly about your finances, your goals, and your concerns is a recipe for disaster. Just like in my case. Had I taken the time to really discuss this major purchase and understand her side, I would have realized her fears about not working and perhaps I would have made a better decision.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
04:13

Let's look at number 3. That's control issues. One person holding all the financial power and making all the decisions can breed resentment and distrust. I've seen this so many times in my practice and it truly does lead to relationship breakdowns. But don't worry. I'm going to share some ways to make this work later in the show. Let's move on to number 4. And that's different money styles.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
04:41

We all have different approaches to money. There's savers versus spenders. There's planners versus impulse buyers. Not acknowledging and respecting these differences can lead to constant clashes. Trust me. I've learned this the hard way. My wife is truly a saver. She values planning for a rainy day and not impulse spending. It took many years, but now I feel like we're finally on the same page as a true team with balancing this area of our finances. We're going to celebrate 24 years of marriage in September.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
05:13

But to be completely honest, I was not always good in this area. I have more ideas about fixing this later in the show. Let's move on to number 5. And that's keeping up with the Joneses. Trying to maintain a lifestyle you can't afford just to impress others will leave you financially and emotionally drained.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
05:32

Just like that 60-inch TV. I think I'd been to a friend's house, and he had that magnificent, huge TV. And I just had to have one. It's funny thinking back now just how poor the picture quality really was at the time. But more than picture quality, I was blinded by the pursuit of keeping up with him and not honoring my partner. What a huge mistake.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
05:54

Let's look at number 6 and that's ignoring debt. Burying your head in the sand and hoping debt will magically disappear won't work. It's only going to create more stress and tension in your relationships. I truly believe that too many relationships fail because too many couples just ignore their debt, and it creates a constant state of tension in the relationship.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
06:17

Number 7. No emergency fund. Yep. Here goes Ralph again about those emergency funds. Life throws curve balls. Not having a financial cushion to handle unexpected expenses can put a huge strain on any relationship.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
06:34

Let's talk about number 8. And that's impulsive spending. Those treat yourself moments can be fun. But constant impulse purchases without considering the bigger financial picture can lead to arguments and can lead to resentment. These singular items may seem pretty petty at the time. But over time they add up and can lead to a complete breakdown in a relationship.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
06:58

Let's look at number 9. And that's not setting financial goals together. Without shared financial goals, you're like a ship sailing without a compass. You might end up in different places, creating friction along the way. You cannot set out on a joint journey if you have different destinations in mind from the start. This is just a fact.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
07:20

And finally, number 10. Blaming each other for financial problems. Playing the blame game will get you nowhere. Well, that's not exactly true, it’s likely to get you in divorce court. It's important to approach financial challenges as a team, with understanding and a solution-oriented mindset.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
07:42

So, how do we break free from these destructive habits and build healthier ones? It takes effort, it takes commitment, and it takes a willingness to change. So here's some practical steps you can take if you want to change the dynamic and start working to build stronger relationships or rebuild one that's in ruin.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
08:01

Let's start with number 1 and that's start talking. Communication is the key. I advise you to schedule regular money dates to discuss your finances openly and honestly. It takes effort and constant communication to grow or rebuild a relationship which has been broken down by a lack of communication.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
08:22

Number 2, create a budget together. A budget isn't about restriction. It's about freedom. It allows you to prioritize your spending and work towards your shared goals. This is truly a concrete step you can take to build a plan for success. And best of all, it's a mutual destination.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
08:44

Number 3. Set realistic financial goals. Dream big but start small. This is not going to happen overnight. It's a true journey. Achieving even small financial goals together can boost your confidence and strengthen your bond. You'll start to see tangible results if you work at achieving short term, intermediate term and long-term goals.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
09:08

Number 4. Practice gratitude. I can't stress this one enough. Focus on what you have, not what you lack. Appreciate your blessings. This can shift your perspective and reduce financial anxieties. This is a true paradigm shift and something that will change your outlook and your perspective.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
09:30

And finally, number 5. Seek professional help. Don't be afraid to reach out to a financial advisor or a counselor if you need help getting on track or navigating those complex financial issues.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
09:43

Now, for those who may be feeling the strain of past financial mistakes and hurt feelings, rebuilding trust can take time and effort. So here's some tips. First one. You got to acknowledge the hurt. Don't minimize the pain caused by financial infidelity or poor money management. This is a time to sincerely apologize and commit to change.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
10:06

Second one, be transparent. Open up your financial life to your partner. Share account statements, be up front about spending and involve them in financial decisions.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
10:18

Third one. Rebuild slowly. Trust is earned, not given. Be patient and consistent in your efforts to demonstrate your commitment to change. Trust wasn't broken overnight and it's not going to be restored overnight.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
10:35

And finally, we talked a little bit about this, seek professional guidance. A therapist specializing in financial therapy can provide valuable support and guidance as you work towards healing and rebuilding trust. You might want to check with your church and ask them about counseling service they may offer, which could save you money.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
10:55

Remember, managing your finances well is not about dollars and cents. It's about stewardship. God has entrusted us with resources. It's our responsibility to manage them wisely, not just for our own benefit, but for the benefit of our loved ones and the kingdom. When we align our financial habits with biblical principles, we experience true financial freedom and stronger, healthier relationships.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
11:22

Well, I hope this episode has been helpful and encouraging. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Reach out to your loved ones, seek professional guidance if needed, and most importantly, lean on your faith. God will provide the wisdom and strength you need to overcome any financial challenge and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
11:45

Don't forget to visit our website. That's at askralphpodcast.com to join our email list to receive a free copy of my book, here it is right here. Mastering Your Finances. And if you have a question you'd like answered on the show, send it our way. We're here to help you navigate the world of finance from a Christian perspective. So until next time, stay financially savvy, and God bless you.