How do I learn to effectively apologize?

Ralph
00:00:00

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you knew you'd messed up, but you just couldn't bring yourself to say those three little words, I'm sorry. Or maybe you said them, but they didn't seem to fix anything?

Well, stick around, because today we're diving deep into the art of apologizing effectively. And trust me, this is one skill that could save your relationship. It could save your marriage and even enhance your financial partnerships.

I'm even going to share my story of really learning how to apologize. And trust me, it's something that you need to learn before it's too late.

Narrator
00:00:37

Welcome to the Ask Ralph podcast, where listening to an experienced financial professional with over 30 years of experience can help you make sense of confusing questions, current headlines and industry trends about taxes, small business, financial decision making, investment strategies, and even the art of proper budgeting. Ask Ralph makes the complex simple by sharing his real world knowledge from a Christian perspective with all things financial.

Now here's your host, Ralph Estep Jr.

Ralph
00:01:06

But before we jump in, let's take a quick look back at yesterday's show. Now, yesterday I covered nine terrible pieces of money advice to ignore if you want to get rich.

And if you missed it, I'm going to definitely want you to go back and give it a listen. Truth is, we debunked some common financial myths that could be holding you back from getting to that point of attaining true wealth.

Now let's get to today's burning question that comes from Valerie. And Valerie writes this dear Ralph, I've been struggling with my husband over our finances.

It seems like we're constantly getting into heated arguments over these finances, especially as we try to deal with just about everything cost and more these days. I know many times I am wrong, and I find it hard to admit when I'm wrong.

I know I need to apologize sometimes, but I'm just not sure how to do it effectively. I can say the words, Ralph, but I wonder if they really mean anything.

I guess if I was truly sorry, I wouldn't continue getting into these heated debates. Can you help me understand how to apologize in a way that actually makes a difference?

And more importantly, as I hear at church all the time, we need to learn to ask for forgiveness and forgive. But I'm not sure how this relates to our Christian faith. Well, Valerie, let me say this.

I want to thank you for your honesty and for your vulnerability in asking that question. And trust me, this one hits close to home for me, and I'm sure it does for many of our listeners.

And before we jump into the answer to Valerie's question, I want to remind you that your questions are the heart of this show. If you've got a question, head over to justaskralph.com. and who knows? Just like Valerie, your question might be featured on our next episode.

Now thinking about it, Valerie's question brings to mind a powerful verse from the book of James. So lets turn to the book of James, chapter five, verse 16.

It says, therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. And Valerie, this verse speaks directly to the power of confession.

And it talks about the healing that can come from it. Because it's not just about saying sorry. I wish it was that simple. But it's about acknowledging our faults.

It's about seeking forgiveness and working towards healing. And that's exactly what we're going to explore today.

And like I said, Valerie, your question really resonates with me because I've been exactly where you are. In fact, learning how to apologize effectively quite literally saved my marriage. And let me tell you, it was a journey.

I used to think that simply saying I'm sorry, that was enough. I'd mess up, say those two words and expect everything to be fine. But here's the thing I learned.

Just saying I'm sorry is often not an apology at all. I can still remember one particular fight my wife and I had over our finances. We were trying to save for our retirement, but dumb me.

I kept overspending on unnecessary and frivolous items and I kept putting off funding on retirement. And I knew this was important to my wife, but I simply wasn't doing it. Just plain and simple, I wasn't doing it. One day my wife came to me.

She confronted me about this particularly expensive purchase I made. I remember what it was, so obviously it wasn't that important. Right away I got defensive. I thought, how dare she question me?

We argued and I stormed out of the room. Looking back, this was not a good look for me. And I knew I was wrong. Later I came back and said to her, I'm sorry.

My wife looked right at me and she wasn't having it. She looked at me and said, what exactly are you sorry for, Ralph? Man, I've heard that a few times. And you know what? I didn't have an answer.

That's when I realized I really didn't understand what a true apology meant. And this realization was the beginning of a transformation in our relationship and a transformation in me.

It was a transformation in my understanding of repentance. I started researching, I started talking to our pastor, and I started to really reflect on what it means to apologize from a Christian perspective.

Clearly, I had doing it all wrong. I needed a course correction. I needed a paradigm shift. But what I discovered is an effective apology has several components.

I want to break those down for you right now. I want to do them right now. Number one, acknowledgement. You got to start by recognizing what you did wrong. You got to start there.

Second thing, responsibility. I'm going to break these down in more detail in a moment.

Number two, like I said, responsibility, you got to owning your actions without making excuses. Number three, remorse. Expressing genuine regret for your actions. Number four, restitution. Offering to make amends or fix what you've done.

And last but not least, number five, and that's repentance. And that means committing to change your behaviors in the future. Like I said, let me break these down and see how they relate to our faith.

So first, we're going to start with acknowledgement. This is about clearly stating what you did wrong.

In my case, I had to say, listen, honey, I spent money on unnecessary items when we agreed to save for our retirement. I had to just say it. And you know what is amazing? This aligns perfectly with a biblical concept of confession. Look at proverbs 20 813.

It tells us this. Whoever conceals their sin does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

The next thing we need to do, we got to take responsibility. This means not making excuses. No excuses, no blame shifting. I'm very good at that. I had to admit to my wife I made the choice to spend that money.

It wasn't an accident. It wasn't a mistake. I chose to do it. And this reflects the biblical principle of personal accountability.

The book of Galatians, chapter six, verse five reminds us, for each will will have to bear his own load. Then comes remorse. This is where you express how truly sorry you are. And it's not just about words.

Words are this easy part, but it's having that genuine feeling, and that's hard. Sometimes it's hard to get to that feeling. I can say the words, but I had to tell my wife. I had to say this.

I feel terrible about breaking our agreement because that's what I had done. And I feel terrible about jeopardizing our dream of having a secure retirement.

And when I looked at the biblical part of this, this aligns with godly sorrow. It's described in two Corinthians chapter seven, verse ten. It says, this godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret.

The fourth component is restitution. And this is where you offer to make things right. In my situation, I had to say, listen, I want to return the item I bought.

Like I said, I don't remember what it was at this point. And I had to put that money back into our savings. I also had to say, I'm going to look for ways to earn extra income to make up for my overspending.

And this is reflected in the Bible, in the biblical principle of restoration, as we see in Exodus 22. And I'm going to encourage you to go read it where God gives instructions for making restitution. And like I said, finally, there's repentance.

This is a commitment to change your behavior. It's a commitment to change your behavior going forward. I had to say to my wife, I commit to sticking to our budget from now on.

I'll check with you before making any non essential purchases. And listen, this aligns perfectly with the biblical concept of repentance, which is about turning away from sin.

I mean, it's a complete turn and turn towards God. Now, here's the powerful conclusion.

When I started thinking, when I started incorporating all these elements into my apologies, it transformed my marriage. You might ask why? Well, my wife felt heard. She felt understood. And more importantly, she felt respected.

She saw that I was truly sorry, and I was committed to change. Our trust grew stronger, and we became true partners. And that's what it all came down to. We came true partners in our financial journey.

And listen, I also committed that day to completely fund our retirement. And I'm pleased to say I have been doing that ever since that day. And the results are speaking for themselves. But it didn't stop there.

This new understanding of apology and repentance, it spilled over into my other areas of my life. It improved my relationship with friends. It improved my relationship with family and even my business partners.

Cause what I found is I've found that when I apologized effectively, it often led to deeper, more authentic connections. So, Valerie, you might be asking, Ralph, how do I put this into practice? So here are some action steps you can take.

Number one thing, reflect on your current and recent conflicts. Identify situations where you need to apologize. That's where it starts. Identifying those things.

Second thing, practice crafting apologies that include all five components we discussed. You really can't skip a step. Each of those things are important. I'd learned that the hard way because I'd make mistakes. I do it the wrong way.

I try to skip a step, but you can't do it. Number three, Valerie, have an honest conversation with your husband about your desire to improve in this area. Let him know that you want to change.

Let him know you want to. But the thing is, you're going to have to take action. He's going to have to see you making those changes.

Like my wife said, what are you sorry for, Ralph? She said that to me since I'm still not perfect at this.

But it starts with an acknowledgement that I need to change this, which leads me to number four, consider seeking counseling or attending a marriage workshop together to further strengthen your communication skills. I will tell you one of the biggest breakdowns in a marriage is the failure to communicate. I've heard that somewhere before, but it's the truth.

We do a terrible job of communicating, so we've got to work on how to build those skills. Those five things I talked about as parts of an apology will help you because it's going to help you effectively communicate.

And number five, most importantly, if you don't listen to anything else I say to you, pray together. And that's not easy. Sometimes, especially in the heat of the argument, learn to ask God to help you both grow in humility and grace.

Because it takes two. Remember, learning to apologize effectively is a process. It's not going to happen overnight. It takes time. It takes practice. But listen, I know this.

The rewards in your marriage, in your finances, in your faith are immeasurable. You can't put a measurement on them. Well, as I said, let's pray together. Heavenly father, we come before you acknowledging our imperfections.

We are weak and broken. We ask for your guidance and learning to apologize effectively, and we seek true repentance. Help us to be humble.

Help us to take responsibility for our actions and help us to actively work towards making amends. Give us the strength to change our behaviors and the wisdom to see how our actions affect others.

Lord, we ask you to bless our relationships, especially our marriages. Bless them with your grace and understanding. We ask this in Jesus name. Amen. Let me recap what we've learned and what we've covered today.

We talked about an effective apology involves acknowledgment. It involves responsibility. It needs to include remorse. It needs to have restitution, and most importantly, it needs to have repentance.

And we also talked about how these elements not only align with biblical principles, but they can also transform our relationships. And like I said, our financial partnerships. And now I want to extend an invitation to you.

Maybe you're feeling overwhelmed by your financial situation, or you simply want to ensure you're on the right track. And listen, I would love to help you.

You can schedule an appointment with me by going to askralph.com and clicking on the banner that reads, book a call with Ralph. I will work with you. I will help you move from living paycheck to paycheck.

Maybe you're feeling like you're taking three steps forward only to get shoved four steps back. I've been there. I've felt that I will help you achieve freedom. I'll help you break free from that financial bondage that's holding you back.

It's affecting your relationships. Because the dirty little secret is the stress of finances is causing a debate.

Now, you might not be good at apologizing, but it's the stress of those finances that caused a problem. Maybe you need help with your business finances. Maybe you're looking for ways to grow your business.

I can help you with those things as well, because those can be stressful. My overall goal is to help you achieve all of your financial goals.

So let's create a personalized plan just for you, not something that you heard from Joe or Sally or you saw online or on one of these websites.

Let's do something individual personalized for you and for $150 consultation fee, which I will refund to you if we're unable to create a personalized plan to exceed your expectations. Let's work together. Let's do it together.

And like I said, if I'm not able to create a personalized plan for you to exceed your expectation, I will refund your consultation fee. Now, tomorrow we'll be discussing what do experts say about how much is the maximum amount to put in a CD.

Now this is a topic that could potentially boost your savings strategy, so you don't want to miss it. I get this question a lot. And as I close today, you can sense the passion. My passion is to help you achieve financial success.

I want to see you live out your dreams, and I want to see it grow in your faith. That's what fuels me, why I turn this microphone and turn this camera on. It's why I do this podcast every single day, because I want to see you grow.

And I know this. Together we can master your finances from a Christian perspective, not from that secular, well, I'm going to get rich.

But from that Christian perspective, we can master this. So, as I always say, I always close the show like this, stay financially savvy and on this Sunday, this spiritual Sunday, I call it. God bless you.

Ralph
00:15:54

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