How go I get my adult children to leave the nest?

Ralph Estep Jr.:
00:00

Do you have adult children living at home? Are you eager for them to move out and start their own independent lives? Well, stay tuned to hear 10 practical but yet biblical ways to lovingly encourage your adult kids to leave the nest. I've heard from so many clients that they need help in this area. So that's exactly what we're covering on today's show.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
00:20

The truth is, parenting is a lifelong journey. As our children grow into adulthood, it can be really hard to shift from caretaker to the role of coach. We want to give them wings to fly while also providing a soft landing when they struggle. Striking that right balance is so difficult; it's tough. So the question is, how can we spur our adult children towards independence without pushing them out the door?

Ralph Estep Jr.:
00:47

Welcome to Financial Friday here on the show. I'm so glad you chose to tune in today. Yesterday, we covered the basics of required minimum distributions: what they are, when they start, and how to calculate them. If you missed that important episode, be sure to check it out in our show archives. You can find those at askralphpodcast.com. And did you know we have over 400 past episodes in our catalog? So be sure to check them out.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
01:11

Now, coming up tomorrow, we'll tackle the question of what to do when your auto lease ends. We got this question from one of our loyal listeners, and we're going to answer that question tomorrow. Things like, should you buy it outright? Should you lease again or get something new? We're going to explore your options and give you some concrete things that you can do.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
01:28

But today we're talking about a sensitive yet common issue facing many parents of adult children, and that's how to get them to leave the nest and start their own independent lives. I don't have to tell you, this can be a tricky situation to navigate. I have heard some true horror stories. You want your kids to succeed, but you also need to urge them towards self-sufficiency. There's a balance, and the balance is the key to this whole thing.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
01:58

Well, before we dive in, let's center ourselves with a relevant Bible verse. And this comes to us from the book of Proverbs 22:6, and it says this: "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old, he will not depart from it." As parents, we shape our children's lives through their formative years. The values we instill and the skills we teach equip them for adulthood.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
02:24

But truth is, folks, there comes a point where we have to trust God and let go. Staying dependent on mom and dad indefinitely can hinder their growth, and I've seen this so many times. With that perspective in mind, here are 10 tips to lovingly launch your adult children out of the nest, and I use the word lovingly, and I use the word launch intentionally.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
02:48

So the first one is this, number one: set clear expectations. First and foremost, directly communicate your expectations for when it's time to move out. Some key questions to address would be these: At what age should they start transitioning to independence? Consider tying this to life milestones like college graduation, rather than just a particular birthday.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
03:12

Give them something to attain. Give them a goal, not just a calendar date. Another question you might ask is, what financial contributions will be required if they stay at home as adults? Will they pay rent? Will they help with utilities and groceries? Do they have to contribute to savings? But the key is to spell out these guidelines in advance so it doesn't feel like the rules change unexpectedly.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
03:35

Number two: charge rent. And I know this is going to be somewhat controversial. So speaking of financial contributions, charging rent is an important step for adult children who haven't yet moved out. It helps them learn financial responsibility while also making it less comfortable to stay too long. Just be sure to put the money towards their future housing costs.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
03:56

Let's move on to number three, and that one is one I hadn't really thought about it before I did my research, but limit involvement in household duties. And this is a tough one. When adult kids move back home, it's tempting to let them assume their childhood roles. But allowing or expecting them to do chores, laundry, yard work, grocery shopping, cooking, and more for the whole household enables dependence. So it's absolutely key that you gradually reduce how much you involve them in family duties.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
04:26

Let's move on to number four, and that's don't redo their mistakes. Helicopter parenting doesn't stop when kids become adults. It's so easy to keep swooping in to rescue our children when they slip up, but allowing them to experience natural consequences of mistakes helps them learn vital lessons as they transition to independence. The key to this is give advice when asked, but let them solve their own problems.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
04:53

Number five: encourage more time out of the house when adult children live at home. It's comfortable and easy for them to spend all their non-work hours there. After all, they're not paying rent. But staying cooped up in their childhood bedroom won't motivate them to build an independent life. Tactfully encourage them to spend more time volunteering, pursuing hobbies, attending religious services, networking, and engaging in other activities.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
05:22

Let's move on to number six, and this one is brutal, but it's a good one, and that's make your home less welcoming. Sad but true, you may need to make your home a little less welcoming space, especially for their friends. Don't stock the fridge with your child's favorite foods and drinks.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
05:40

Discourage them and their buddies from hanging out in a basement game room until 2AM. Give them more privacy so your home stops feeling like a fun crash pad. A lot of people are going to argue with me on that one, but I think it's absolutely the case.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
05:53

Let's move on to number seven, and that's stop giving spending money. Financially enabling is common but counterproductive if you want your kids to stand on their own two feet as adults. Eliminate allowances, eliminate gifts of spending money, eliminate paying for their streaming subscriptions and their cell phone bills and any other monetary support.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
06:16

Living independently is impossible if they depend on the bank of mom and dad. If they have that safety blanket that they can go back to, they're never going to become independent.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
06:26

Let's move on to number eight, and that's set a move-out deadline. It is absolutely vital that you clearly communicate a reasonable yet firm timeline for when you expect your adult children to move out of the house. Tie this to concrete steps, like we talked about maybe college graduation, securing a post-grad job, or saving enough for an apartment down payment. The key to all of this is setting an expectation well in advance, so it's not a shocker to them.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
06:55

Let's move on to number nine, and that's help, but don't solve. Your children are adults now, so resist the urge to solve all their problems. Rather than calling landlords on their behalf or editing their resumes, empower them to handle challenging tasks themselves. You might offer to brainstorm options together but let them do the work. This is a time to give support and guidance, but not solutions.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
07:22

And finally, number 10, and this one is vital, and this is what I probably didn't do a good job of with my kids, and that is, show confidence in them. Most importantly, make sure your adult children know that you believe in their ability to live independently, even if the process feels scary to them. Remind them of examples from their life to demonstrate their capabilities.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
07:45

Share your own stories on the twists and turns on the road to adulthood, give them a reassuring hug and tell them they've got this. Then the key is let those apron strings unravel.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
07:58

Well, those are the top 10 tips to get adult children to leave the nest in a constructive and loving way. So let's recap. We said this: set clear expectations in advance, charge rent, limit their household responsibilities, allow them to experience natural consequences, encourage activities outside the home, make your home less welcoming.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
08:20

I had one client that actually downsized to a one-bedroom house. There was no place for the kids to go. Don't provide financial support at all. Give a move-out deadline, help but don't solve all their problems, and, most importantly, express your confidence in their readiness. Of course, every family's circumstances are different and unique. The goal is to strike the right balance of support, guidance, and motivational nudging tailored to your child's needs and abilities.

Ralph Estep Jr.:
08:52

That wraps up today's episode on launching your adult children out of the nest. Please visit askralphpodcast.com to join our email list for episode updates and more financial resources. And if you found this show helpful, share it with other parents preparing their kids for adulthood. And remember what Proverbs 22:6 said, "Train up your children in the way they should go and trust God as they leave the nest you've built." And as I always say, stay financially savvy and God bless and launch those kids into independence.