What do I do if I suspect my Mom has dementia and she’s still handling her own finances?

Ralph Estep Jr.
00:00:00

Picture this. You're looking through your mother's mail and discover five unopened late notices from the electric company.

Your stomach knots as you find a receipt for a ten thousand dollar wire transfer to a stranger. The same mother who taught you everything about money management, who could spot a scam from a mile away. Now I can't remember writing those checks.

If you're watching someone you love lose their grip on their financial reality, you're not alone. Today I'm going to share a deeply personal story about how I helped a cherished client protect her life savings before it was too late.

And I'll show you exactly what steps you need to take to protect your loved ones while preserving their dignity. The question burning in many hearts is how do I honor my parent while protecting them from financial disaster?

Podcast Announcer
00:00:48

In a world where crushing debt keeps you trapped, where living paycheck to paycheck has become your new normal, and where the dream of retirement seems impossibly out of reach, there's hope. Join financial evangelist Ralph Estep Jr. A man who's walked through the fire of financial failure and emerged stronger on the other side.
Welcome to Ask Ralph, the show where real world experience meets biblical truth. To break the bondage of financial despair.
To get ready to take control of your money, break free from the financial stress and align your resources with God's purpose for your life. This is Ask Ralph with Ralph Estep Jr.

Ralph Estep Jr.
00:01:25

Well, thank you for joining me today. As you know, my passion is to help you achieve financial success while growing in your Christian faith.

And if you missed yesterday's show, there was a powerful message about breaking free from classic humanism to embrace true Christianity in your financial decisions. And I know classic humanism is a big term, but I'm going to encourage you to check it out.

I'm encourage you to go back and listen to it because those principles we discussed could transform your approach to not only to your life, but to money management. And if you're going to make a big financial decision, I encourage you to do something. Be sure to check out our episodes first.

Just click on the search icon. You get that askralph.com and take a look and see if I've done a show on it before you make a decision. That way you can make an informed decision.

Today's listener question comes from Tabitha. And this is what Tabitha wrote. She said, Ralph, I'm writing to you with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart.

Last week I discovered several overdraft notices in my mother's mailbox, something I've never seen before. From a woman who balanced her checkbook to the penny.

When I tried to talk to her about it, she became defensive and couldn't remember making any of the purchases listed. Mom has always been my rock, the one who taught me everything about managing money and living within my means.

She was the treasurer at our church for 15 years and now she can't seem to remember to pay her electric bill. What breaks my heart even more is finding out she spent $5,000 to someone claiming to be a Christian ministry that I've never heard of.

When I asked about it, she couldn't remember making the donation. I thought of someone. Taking advantage of my mother's generous Christian heart is almost unbearable. I'm scared, Ralph.

Scared of what might happen if I don't step in. But also terrified of taking away her independence and dignity. How do I honor my mother while also protecting her?

What's the godly way to handle this situation? And that was signed with a troubled heart, Tabitha.

Well, Tabitha, you certainly put your heart out there for you and I thank you so much for your question. And it's a question I wish I had never heard before. It is truly heartbreaking and unfortunately I've seen it in several clients.

And I'll tell you about a story here in a few moments about a particular client because I've got some action items, Tabitha, you can take today to help your moms during this difficult situation. And I understand it. It's a very difficult thing. Well, I'm adding a new component to the show moving Forward here in 2025.

I always talk about gratitude on this show and I thought it was time to start making some of those gratitude statements a part of the show. So each day I'm going to share a gratitude statement because I feel like in 2025 the Lord is really telling me to be more grateful.

So today's topic reminds me to be grateful for God's wisdom, especially in establishing family bonds and giving us responsibility to honor and care for our parents. This challenging situation that you're going through, Tabitha, allows us to demonstrate Christ's love in practical ways.

So that's my grateful statement for today. And I'm grateful that God's wisdom in establishing these family bonds and giving us responsibility to honor and care for our parents.

And even though it's a challenging situation and Tabitha, you're going right through it, I've been through it with my mother in law and I've had many clients that have gone through it.

We know that this is a place that we can demonstrate Christ's Love in practical ways, Tabitha, along with that gratitude statement, I always like to start the show with a powerful verse from scripture and I found this one in Exodus that really guides us in caring for our parents. And this is what it says.

It's Exodus 20:12 and it tells us this Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land the Lord God is giving you. Well, that's pretty straightforward, I think, Tabitha.

And it's a commandment that takes on special meaning when our parents need our help and protection. Think about it. We've grown our whole lives with our parents being there for us from the time that we were in diapers and we relied on them 100%.

Well, now it's come full circle for a lot of us and we're seeing our parents start to age. And unfortunately my mother passed away already. But we're seeing our parents age and we're dealing with these difficult situations.

So that's exactly what we're going to cover on today's show. Well, let me tell you a story about a client that I had.

Now this has been a few years ago now, but, but I'm going to call her Margaret because I don't want to mention real names, but Margaret was a retired teacher and this lady was organized, let me tell you right now, when she came in to get her taxes done. And that's where I really knew her from. I was friends with her daughter and son in law, but she came in to get her taxes done.

And every year when she would come in, let me tell you, she would have notes written out. Everything was super organized and detail oriented.

And I guess that's because she was a teacher and she was, you know, prepared for doing those lesson plans and all that sort of things. Well, I remember one particular year she came in and from the start she just seemed disheveled.

There was a noticeable shift in her behavior during that tax appointment. And I started talking to her and I said, well, let's, you know, I have a typical scheme of how I do things.

I start with, you know, talking about what's going on, what happened this past year. And then I sort of transition into this time of Let me have your copy of your documents.

You'll start with W2 forms or 1099 forms or mortgage interest statements. And right away when I said to Morgan, I said, well, let me get your tax documents.

She kind of had this blank stare and she looked at me with sort of this trepidation and she didn't really understand what I was asking her. And I sort of coached her along.

I said, Margaret, you know, the things that you got in the mail from the different tax companies, you know, different places where you maybe have a bank account. And she was a particular situation where she had a retirement account so she would get a 1099.

And she looked at me, she says, ralph, I didn't even think to bring those things. And right off the bat I think, well, that was kind of strange.

Now I've had clients say to me, Ralph, I walked out the door, I completely forgot my documents.

And I just wanted to come in and set the, you know, set the table here with you, and then I'll give you all the information because I completely forgot it. But this was a totally different thing. This was truly a memory gap. And these were major financial transactions.

And then we started to get into a little bit and she starts telling me about what's going on.

She goes, well, one of the things I really need to discuss with you, I've been giving a lot of money to different charitable organizations and I'm writing checks to my grandchildren and my nieces and nephews and all these sort of things. And it was sort of out of character for her. She wasn't a wealthy woman. She sort of lived in a modest way, but she was having some general confusion.

And in fact, she had sold her home during that previous year, she had two homes and she had sold one. And I started asking about it because it was something we had to report on the tax return.

And honestly, she had very little understanding of what I was talking about. And I said to myself, wow, this person is. I'm really seeing some problems here.

And I started to think about the warning signs of this cognitive decline. And I started putting two and two together. And I could see that she had difficulty managing those routine financial tasks.

She didn't even understand what I needed from her to get her taxes done. And this is something that, and I want to say at the time, she was in her middle 70s, so this is something she had done time and time again.

And, and her husband had passed away at a relatively young age. So she understood all these things, she did them herself. But she was confused about this. She was confused about some recent financial decisions.

She clearly was confused about trying to organize and maintain her important paperwork. And like I said, this was something that was really unusual for her.

So I sort of had this strange dilemma and I said to myself, you know, what is my professional response? Because her daughter and son in law are friends of mine.

It's somebody that I've known for a long time, and I saw this familiar pattern, and I started to think, well, you know, I'm not sure exactly how to broach this. I wasn't sure, you know, what permissions I needed.

So I looked at Margaret and I said, Margaret, it seems like you're really having a hard time putting this all together. I said, why don't we do this? Do you mind if I give your daughter a call and ask her to help you put this together?

And she kind of looked at me with one of those, well, where are you going with this, Ralph? And she. I don't remember exactly what she said, but she said something along the lines of, well, you know, I usually take care of this myself.

You know, I don't want to burden anybody. I said, well, Margaret, let's just do this. After you leave, I'll give your daughter a call, and that way she can help you put this thing together.

Because I wanted to handle this in a professional and a sensitive way because I didn't want Margaret to think, oh, Ralph must think I've lost my mind. Even though in a lot of ways, and this is going to sound like an unkind statement, she really was exhibiting those difficult signs.

So as soon as she left, I got on the phone, I called her daughter, and I brought her daughter into the conversation, and we started talking about the things that I saw.

And I think in a lot of ways, her daughter had started seeing these things, but I'm not sure they were at the level that she expected them to be or that she thought it had rose to. So we started working on how to protect her mom. What was that financial protection look like? And this whole thing was.

This was a balance of that dignity, because that's the key to this whole thing. You know, we have to leave these folks with dignity. So I wanted to maintain that dignity throughout the whole process.

And everybody's situation is different, but it really brought to mind, you know, what a difficult situation this was, because this is somebody who had always handled these things on their own.

So I wanted to give you, Tabitha, some ideas today that if you find yourself in a similar situation, it sounds like based on what you're saying, your mom is starting to exhibit some of those signs as well. So I'm going to give you some steps that I found to be helpful so that you can put your mom's affairs in order to protect her.

Because that's the thing. There are so many bottom feeders out there lurking in the shadows that look for opportunities to take advantage of people.

This happened in my own family. My mother in law has advanced dementia. I mentioned her on the show a few times. We actually did an Alzheimer's walk for her.

But she had members of her family and I don't want to name names who took advantage of her financially. And I'm talking about big number financial advantage and it was just such a sad thing to see how this person was manipulated and taken advantage of.

So the first thing I want to I'm going to tell you to do, Tabitha, number one thing is document the warning signs, keep track of those unpaid bills, look at any of those unusual purchases.

One of the things I'm going to encourage you to do is take a look at your mom's bank statements and take a look at the ones from previous years, even if she's got access to those and see if there are any inconsistencies.

For example, let's say your mom always carries a high balance in her checking account or in her savings account and you've noticed that that balance is starting to come down. Those are real big red flag warning signs.

You also want to watch for confusion about basic financial tasks and I'll talk about that a little bit later. But one of the things in the research I did for this show is one of the telltale signs and they've even said this is years before this happened.

And listen, just so you know, I do a blog post based on every episode that we publish and you can get those by going to askralphpodcast.com/blog and this particular blog post that I did has a ton of resources in it. So I'm going to encourage you to go check it out and I'll put a note in the show notes.

But one of the things they said was that one of the precursors a lot of times to this advanced dementia is someone having difficulty with basic financial tasks, you know, missing those bills that come in the mail or not opening their mail or overdraft notices. You know, one of the things we found with my mother in law is she was sending checks to every charity under the sun.

And it's interesting now because we actually she moved into a respite home or you know, a long term care facility and we changed her address to our address and it amazed me over the last month or two how many solicitations she got from different charities. These were charities I never even heard of. So Tabitha, that's the first thing you want to document those warning signs.

So you have those and you know what to look for. Number two thing, take Legal precautions. We did this at my mother in law.

One of the things you might want to do is set up a durable power of attorney. That way you can step in and act on her behalf in a fiduciary way to make sure she's protected.

This is a great time to meet with an estate planning attorney or an elder care attorney. Maybe you want to establish a living trust.

And if it's gotten real bad and it's beyond the point where your mom can actually sign legal documents, you might want to consider having the court do what's called a guardianship option. I don't. We're not going to get into a lot of detail. You can check out the show notes and look at my blog post about it.

I do a little bit deeper explanation of that in there, but that's the second thing. Take legal precautions. Number three, protect against financial abuse.

And this is something like I said, I've seen this not just in my own family, but in countless times that I work with clients. It's a sad thing, but there are bottom feeders, there are predators out there, and some of them have the same last name as your mom.

And I'm not saying, Tabitha, this is you, but some of these people just lurk in the shadows and they look for opportunities to pounce. So start monitoring those accounts for suspicious activity.

One of the things that I'm going to really strongly encourage you to do, and you got to do this with dignity. All these things I'm talking about, you got to really be careful how you do them.

But you want to limit access to credit cards, set up automatic bill payments.

If her mom's still living on her own, and that's still a feasible thing, maybe you come alongside her and say, mom, hey, how about we set these things up for automatic payment? You know, the electric bill, maybe the water bill. If she's got a mortgage, set that mortgage payment up.

And like I said, this is a great time to consult with an elder law attorney to make sure that your mom or your father, whoever you're working with, is protected. So that's number three, protect against financial abuse.

Number four, and this one is crucial, you've got to maintain open communication because when you start to understand dementia, dementia is one of. And I'm not a doctor, so please don't take this as any kind of doctoral advice or anything like that. I'm just going by what I've seen in my own life.

You've got to approach this with empathy. Because what I have found is these folks with dementia now they get to a point where they really don't even understand what's going on around them.

And in a lot of ways, and this might not sound like a nice way to say it, but I, I actually see that as a blessing. But there are times when they're fading in and out.

And I know with this particular client, Margaret I was talking about, I could tell that there were times where she was very copacetic, she understood what was going on, and then other times she was completely lost. So you've got to focus on your specific concerns and do this, involve other family members.

But again, be careful with that because you don't want them to become the ones that are predators and say, oh, this is a great opportunity for me to take advantage of mom or dad or whoever that is. And the key to this whole thing, if you don't listen to anything else I say, is respect your parents dignity throughout this whole process.

And that's where your Christian faith is going to come alongside of you. Like we talked about in the Bible verse today, you want to help them and do it in a way that maintains their dignity.

Now, I'm going to share some items in the next section here in a few minutes about action items you can do to help you in this situation. Tabitha, directly for you. But first, let me ask you this. Are you one of those folks that's struggling to balance your money and faith?

Are you having situations like Tabitha today and you're just not sure where to turn? Well, listen, I get it. I see this all the time.

Sometimes it feels like you're the only one trying to make godly financial decisions and a world that pulls you in completely different directions. And that's exactly why I go live every Tuesday night at 7pm Eastern time. Tomorrow night, we're going to be live.

We had taken two weeks off because of the holiday, but I go live every Tuesday night at 7pm Eastern time because I want you to know you're not alone in this journey. And you know what makes my heart sing? My heart sings when I see members of our community having those aha moments.

And I see those time and time again during our live shows when somebody finally breaks free from debt or understands how to invest while honoring God. Or maybe they find peace like you're searching for Tabitha. They find peace in their financial decisions.

And those are the moments in life that really matter. And every week I hear stories that can be your story. Like this one. I heard this not too long ago.

This person said, Ralph, I was drowning in debt until I found your show or this one. I never thought I could invest and stay true to my faith.

And finally, one of the ones that really made my heart sing was your advice to help save my marriage from financial stress. And isn't it true that financial stress causes so many problems? It causes health problems. It causes relationship problems.

But here's what makes our Tuesday night special, and that's real talk about money and faith. Listen, if you listen to me, if you misunderstand me for any length of time I strung that word together.

If you've been listening to me for any length of time, you know, I call it as I see it. I'm transparent as they come. And Tuesday nights, no different. There's no sugar coating. I'm going to answer your questions live.

Yes, I'll help you with your specific situation. You go right to the chat window and we can interact together.

And there's a supportive family of believers who get what you're going through just like you're going through today. Tabitha, A lot of people are dealing with the same thing. And yes, I do give away $100Amazon gift card every single week.

But you want to know the best part? This is truly where the magic happens, and that's in our community.

Because when you join us, you'll see others facing the exact same challenges you're facing. And they're finding ways to win. They're finding ways to get through it.

And I hope and I believe this with all my heart is their victories can become your inspiration. So here's what I want you to do right now. I don't ask you to do much for me, but I want you to do this right now.

Take out your phone or write this down askralphpodcast.com/live to your calendar for Tuesday night at 7:00pm Eastern Time. A lot of people say, Ralph, I don't understand all how this live stuff works. It's very simple.

At 6:55 or 6:58, whatever it is, you can go earlier than that. I usually launch it a few minutes before that.

You just go to askralphpodcast.com/live and right up on your screen it'll pop up a YouTube channel and you'll see me at right at 7 o'clock. So make this commitment to yourself and your financial future. Don't let another week go by feeling stuck or alone.

Join me and our incredible community this Tuesday night and together we'll build a stronger financial future while keeping faith at the center. Now listen, I'm going to be looking for you in the chat and you might just walk away with that Amazon gift card.

So see you Tuesday at 7pm Eastern Time. Again, that's askralphpodcast.com/live. Another new section I want to add to the show each day is what I'm going to call Reflection Questions.

I'm working on my third book and one of the components of that book is at the end of each chapter I'm putting in reflection questions. And I said to myself, you know what, these are great things to add to the Daily show as well. So I'm going to discuss every day.

I'm going to put some questions out there to reflect on. So here's today's Reflection Questions. Number one, have you noticed any changes in your parents financial management abilities?

Are you seeing those things where they're starting to slide? Number two question this follows along right with that. What steps have you taken to protect your loved one's financial well being?

If you're seeing those things, you know, what are the steps that you're taking right now? I'm going to get to some action steps in a moment, but what are those steps you're taking?

And number three, and this one is crucial, how can you honor your parents while ensuring their financial security? Because that's really what you want to do. If your heart's in the right place, that's what you want to do.

So I promised you some action steps and here are five concrete action steps for today's episode about handling finances when you suspect a parent has dementia. Number one thing, if you don't have a plan, you're going to fail. So create your emergency response plan.

You want to document all your parents accounts, get their passwords, figure out all their financial obligations. This is a great time to gather their important legal documents into one secure location.

Get copies of their insurance cards and any other important medical information and start maintaining a record of concerning financial behaviors or decisions.

Because those are the type of things that if you go with your mom or dad to a doctor's visit or something like that, you can explain these things to the doctor because that will help the doctor in their diagnosis and a treatment plan for your loved one. So that's number one and that is create your emergency response plan. Number two, you want to set up some basic financial protections.

One of the things I talked about earlier was establishing those automatic bill payments for anything that's a recurring expense.

If you know that your mom or dad or your loved ones accounts always have a certain amount in them, then go ahead and set up those automatic bill payments. You set those up for the Electric bill, you set those up for the telephone bill or the cell phone bill or whatever those things are.

Another thing you might want to consider, you might want to talk to your attorney about this, but you could become a joint account holder for some emergency oversight on the accounts. That way you can keep an eye on what's going on. You know, set up spending limits on credit cards or on debit cards.

Create alerts for unusual activity or large withdrawals. That way you're aware of them and you might be able to stop them in their tracks.

Now, listen, I'm not telling you to go take all of your mom's or dad's credit cards and checks and all that kind of stuff, then it might come to that. But maybe you can help coach them along setting up these automatic bill payments and all that sort of thing.

So that's number two, set up some basic financial protection. Number three, this is where you want to put legal safeguards in place. That's where you want to meet with that estate planning attorney.

Yes, it's going to cost you a few bucks to do it, but you are going to find such peace of mind by doing that. And they may talk to you about a revocable living trust. And that may be a great point to do it while your parents are still able to make decisions.

Maybe you want to set up a durable power of attorney. It's another great time to ensure beneficiaries are probably designated on all the accounts. I talk about that on the show from time to time.

Again, this is a great time to do that double check. So that's number three. Put those legal safeguards in place. Number four, and this one is going to be vital for your own benefit.

Build your support network. Make a list of your parents, key financial or your key professional context. Your doctors, their lawyers, their accountants.

Connect with your banks, your parents, bank account manager or your credit union manager to discuss fraud protection. Talk to them about what you can do to help your loved one put their stuff in order so you don't have any concerns.

It's a great time to meet with your parents financial advisor to understand their investments. And listen, one of the things that I see in my client base so often is the caregiver needs support as well.

Yes, the person is going through dementia or Alzheimer's or whatever that is is devastating to that person. But it takes a severe emotional and physical toll on the caregivers as well.

And I'm going to put in the show notes and in the blog post today some caregiver support groups because that's one thing you want to look at. So number four was build your support network. And number five is create a regular monitoring system.

This is where you want to take a weekly or monthly financial review, sit down with your loved one and go over their bank accounts.

And you know, they might feel like you're prying, but listen, you can just say to them, listen, we're just trying to make sure everything is going smoothly. You know, have that open communication, set up a filing system for their incoming bills.

You know, maybe you set it up so that you get a copy of the bill and they get a copy bill. Maybe it's done electronically.

Another thing I'm going to highly recommend you do and a lot of doctors and other people I talk to in preparing for this is maybe you want to set up some checklists where you can track bill payments and unusual expenses.

And like I said, keep a log of any concerning financial decisions or behaviors to share with those medical professionals because that's really going to be insightful to them when they're looking at diagnosing this because it doesn't always come and manifest itself. So obviously remember this, implementing these steps with compassion, that's the key to this whole thing.

You got to have compassion and respect because when you do, it helps honor your parent while protecting their financial well being.

Now remember, like I talked about today, we're going to have a blog post for every episode moving forward and you can find those at askralphpodcast.com/blog it's going to be a show note, but I'm going to put more detail in that.

So I'm going to encourage you once you've listened to the show, maybe you don't have time to listen to the show right away is go check out that blog page and you'll see those for all of our past episodes. And we're going to be doing those moving forward now.

Tomorrow we're going to explore 16 innovative ways technology can enhance the lives of older adults.

Maybe you're starting off the week on an adult learning session, but listen, this is one you don't want to miss because they could be for anybody at any age. These are some practical solutions that can make a real difference for us and for our aging loved ones.

And remember this as I always end this show, my passion is to help you achieve financial success. I want to see you live out your dreams and I want to see you grow in your faith.

And I know together we can master your finances from that Christian perspective. So as I always end the show, stay financially savvy out there, and God bless you.

Podcast Announcer
00:26:41

Thank you for joining us on the Ask Ralph show, and with a simple click to subscribe, we'll invite you back to our next episode. And remember, financial issues don't have to be complicated. Just Ask Ralph.

The information contained in this episode of Ask Ralph is based on data available as of the date of its release. Saggio Accounting plus and Ask Ralph Media, Inc. Is under no obligation to update this content if changes occur.

Applying this information to your specific situation requires careful consideration of all facts and circumstances, and any information provided is not to be considered as financial, tax, or legal advice. Please consult your tax advisor or attorney before acting on any material covered.