What are some ways I can learn to tame my tongue?

Ralph Estep Jr.: Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Do you struggle with controlling your words? Imagine a world where your words consistently build up others instead of tore them down. A world where you're known for your encouraging, life-giving speech. Sounds appealing, doesn't it? Well, stick around because today, we're exploring how to make that a reality in your life. Today, we're diving into the challenging but crucial topic of taming the tongue. It's going to be a little bit different than normal. Stay tuned to discover some practical techniques that can transform your speech and more importantly, transform your relationships.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Before we get started today, let me remind you about what we talked about on yesterday's show. We talked all about those specific things you should consider when you're buying a business. If you missed it, you can check out all the episodes at askralph.com. Now yesterday's episode was packed with some valuable insights that could save you from costly mistakes in your entrepreneurial journey and more importantly, I talked about how to remove some of that emotion from that discussion.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Well, let's get into today's topic with a message from one of our listeners. George writes this.

"Dear Ralph, I've been struggling to control my tongue lately. Just last week, I snapped at my coworker over a minor mistake and I immediately felt terrible about it. I know the Bible talks about the importance of our words, but I find it so hard to put that into practice. I find myself in a somewhat constant state of needing to seek others forgiveness for my harsh words and I don't want to be known as that guy. You know, the one who everyone looks at with disdain and avoids. Do you have any advice on how to tame my tongue and use my voice more positively? I need the change before it's too late."

Ralph Estep Jr.: George, let me start by saying, dude, you like hit me over the head with a hammer with that one. I guess because it hits so close to home. I truly appreciate your honest question. And let me start by assuring you, it's never too late to make a change. And if you're willing to put hard work and put prayer into it, I am confident you can overcome this. Many others have. I'm sure many of the listeners can relate to your struggle. In fact, your message reminds me of my own learning. I've been through this myself. I've worked so hard to control my words.

Ralph Estep Jr.: So let me explore this with you today. Now, before we get started, I want to remind you that this show is all about answering your questions. Even the tough ones like George's today. So if you've got that burning question about finance, maybe it's a question about faith, don't hesitate to send it. After all, that's the whole point of why I do the Ask Ralph show.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Well, welcome to the Ask Ralph Show. I'm your host, Ralph Estep Jr., and I'm thrilled you've joined me today on this spiritual Sunday. Now whether you're a longtime listener or this is your first time tuning in, I am honored that you're here. Thank you for joining me on, like I said, what I call this spiritual Sunday, where we dig a little deeper into our faith and explore a closer connection to our Lord. Today's really not going to be about finance but it'll be a discussion that's pertinent to anybody who deals with these types of issues.

Ralph Estep Jr.: If you find value in today's episode or in the show in general, I want to encourage you to visit our website. Our website's at askralph.com. There you can join our community and share this episode with somebody who might benefit from it. I'm telling you, there are a lot of people who are dealing with this taming the tongue issue. But I'm going to give you a little incentive for doing that. When you join our email list, you'll receive a free copy of my book. That's it right there. Mastering your finances. Now, if you went to Amazon, which you can do, it will cost you 10 bucks, but it's yours absolutely free when you become part of our community. And Hey, if you've got a question you'd like me to address on the show, like I talked about it a minute ago, just like George's, you can email me. My email address is ralph@askralph.com or you can visit our website. That's askralph.com. There's a little microphone icon there, you click it, and tell me what's on your mind.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Before we dive in today's topic, let's ground ourselves in scripture. This one comes to us from the book of Proverbs chapter 18, verse 21. This one hit me like a ton of bricks. It says this. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." I don't know about you, but that's a verse that cuts me to the core. It reminds us the immense power of our words. These words we use, they hold so much power. They truly can bring life or death, build up or tear down. With that in mind, let's explore how we can harness the power for good.

Ralph Estep Jr.: You know something, George, your question really struck a chord with me 'cause I've been exactly where you are my friend. In fact, there was a time in my life when my uncontrolled tongue nearly cost me everything I hold dear. It was about 15 years ago, I was working in my accounting practice. We had just started our own practice and things were going well professionally. But I got to be honest with you at home was a different story. My wife and I were constantly arguing. My relationship, my kids was strained. I didn't realize at the time, but my words were the root of most of that problems. I've talked about this on the show before, but it bears repeating today.

Ralph Estep Jr.: There was one evening I can remember, after a particularly stressful day at work, they all seem stressful beginning. I came home to find out my son had forgotten to take out the trash again. It was a small thing. But in that moment, I felt that it was the last straw. I exploded. I mean, I exploded. Harsh words poured out of my mouth, tearing into my son. I tore into my son's self esteem and I shredded that child. I got to be honest. It wasn't the first time I done this. And I've said before, I was a real tyrant and often times, I had to be brutally honest, I, to this day, I still allow my words to tear down others. I know it's not right and it's something I have to work on, but let me continue my story.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Listen, I can still remember the look on his face. It was a mixture of hurt, fear, disappointment, it's something I will never forget. In that moment, I saw myself through his eyes and I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like it at all. I realized my uncontrolled tongue was destroying the very relationships I cherished most. I also have to say when I really thought about it, the things I was saying to him were things I'd heard from my own father as a child. I guess the truth is you don't realize right away, but you live what you learn. I learned this type of lashing out behavior from my father. And I know he learned it from his as well. This is something, let me stop right now. This is something we all need to recognize and stop this cycle. That night was a turning point for me. I knew something had to change and it had to start with me. I began a journey to tame my tongue and it's been one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences in my life. I can't tell you that I've mastered it. Not at all.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Just the other night, I said some things I shouldn't have said, but what I can say is this. I am more aware of it now and I do try each and every day to make positive changes in this area of my life. I've come to realize that the scars I left on my two boys and on my wife, listen, I wish I could undo those things. But I've come to know that once a word is spoken, it's out there forever. It's like on the internet. My advice to you, George is to listen to this now, invest in ways to change the dynamic before you find yourself leaving those lifelong scars. These are ones that you don't realize. These are ones that you're inflicting on other people. Listen, I don't certainly pretend to have all the answers, George. I'm not perfect. But you and anyone else struggling with this issue, I want to share some practical techniques that have helped me over the years.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Now, listen. I'm gonna tell you right now, these are not quick fixes. Taming the tongue I have learned, I was hoping it was an overnight fix, but it's not. It's a lifelong process. But these things, if you'll put them into practice can set you on the right path.

Ralph Estep Jr.: The first thing I want you to do is practice the THINK method. And you may be thinking, what in the world is Ralph talking about? So before you speak, ask yourself if what you're about to say is True. That's the T. Is it Helpful? That's the H. Is it Inspiring? That's the I. Is it Necessary? That's the N. And is it Kind? That's the K. So again, True, Helpful, Inspiring, and Necessary and Kind. If it doesn't meet at least three of these criteria, it's probably better left not being said. I think about this, all the harsh things I've said over the years. And I have, if I had employed this process, I would hope that I would have taken a pause. I would've thought THINK, Ralph that doesn't work. I would have considered them and chosen to either remain silent. Sometimes that's the best option, is just shut up. Don't say anything. Or at the very least, choose more constructive ways to express myself. As I said before, this is a lifelong process. It's not about perfection.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Look, if you're seeking perfection, you are going to be disappointed. That is not a destination on this journey. The second thing I'm going to tell you to do is implement what I call a pause button. We all have these times when we feel angry and frustrated. The best thing you can do is take a deep breath and count to 10 before responding. The truth is this brief pause can prevent a lot of regrettable words. One of the things I've come to say to myself is Ralph, respond. Don't react. There was a particular time when my wife and I were separated, I was going through a real tough situation. I actually bought one of those, I think you call them silicone wristbands. And I put that on there. It said respond don't react. And when I would start to react, I'd take that thing and I'd snap myself with it. But it's the truth. You have to find a place where you learn to respond and not react.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Now, the next thing I'm going to tell you I think is important is seeking accountability. You've got to find a trusted family or friend or somebody from church that is going to lovingly call you out when your words are harmful. This person for me was my grandfather. There was a lot of times he would say to me, "comments like that sound like your Dad talking." And I think about it, that was his own son and he would say that to me. But you've got to find someone who can provide you with gentle reminders. I'm not telling them to hit you over the head with a mallet. But those gentle reminders you will find, if you can find this person will be invaluable to you.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Another thing I'm going to recommend you do is start a gratitude journal. I talked about this a couple of weeks ago on this show. And each and every day, write down things you're thankful for. This practice, if you do, it will shift your focus to the positive. That's going to naturally influence your speech. I was doing this for a while. I got to get back to it myself. In terms of season when I started doing that. So even today, I'm finding things that I too can work on. See, it's not just about you George. It's not about the other people. Listen, I'm finding things myself.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Another thing I'm going to tell you that's worked for me is memorizing scripture. Choose verses about the power of words and commit them to memory. When you're tempted to lash out, recite these verses out loud, or even to yourself. This can take the place of that ten second pause. Just think about when you're going to lash out, memorize that scripture and say that instead.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Another thing that we all need to do. I don't care in what kind of relationship it is. You've got to learn to practice active listening. The truth is often we're so busy formulating a response that we don't listen to others. You got to focus on understanding rather than replying. Remember again. It's respond. Don't react. And you're going to find your words becoming more thoughtful and less reactive. I know there have been times when I was so convinced as to what someone was going to say that I had already reacted before I even heard them speak. And oftentimes looking back, they didn't even say what I thought they were going to say but my stupid response was already out there in the ethos. If I had just been an active listener and really engage with that person, gave them eye contact and listen, I wouldn't have made a stupid comment. And the last thing I'm going to recommend is what I call the sandwich technique. This is not the kind you get from the hoagie shop. When you need to offer criticism, sandwich it between two positive comments. You can't always do this, but if you can do it, it really is a great thing.

Ralph Estep Jr.: This approach helps soften the blow and makes the recipient more receptive to your feedback. I've used this many times in the business world and it works great. When I've had employees working for me, I'll tell them, Hey, you know what, you're doing a great job with this. Here's an area that you can work on and guess what? You're doing a fantastic job. So you can use this in all your relationships. Now here's the thing I'm going to say about that though. Just make sure you're being sincere with those sandwich components. If you're making up stuff to find something good, that is not going to work. The truth is in the end, these techniques have been transformative in my life.

Ralph Estep Jr.: I wish I used them every time. I wish I never reacted, but I still do react. And so even for me, I've got to learn to respond. But the most powerful change came when I truly internalize the weight of my words, I started asking myself. Would I want someone to speak to my children the way I'm about to speak to this person? Let me tell you right now that cut me to the core. This simple question has stopped many harsh words in their tracks. Again, I'm going to say it again. Would I want someone to speak to my children the way I'm about to speak to this person? If you're like me, you'll be like, nobody's gonna talk to my kid like that, but are you doing it yourself? I'm guilty of it. I am guilty as charged. I have done that. I've spoken to my kids in ways that I would have never allowed somebody else to speak to them. I've done the same thing to my wife. If you find yourself on that second, think about it. Take advantage of the things I've talked about.

Ralph Estep Jr.: This journey is not going to be easy. There are setbacks and moments of failure, but I'm going to tell you, over time, I've seen a remarkable change in my relationships. It's a work in process. I would love to tell you that my wife and I argue less and communicate more effectively. But the sad reality is the damage I've caused is severe. And I can only pray that someday these wounds will heal. I will say that my now adult children come to me for advice, knowing they will receive words of encouragement rather than criticism. So at least I've gotten there. Even my professional relationships improve as clients and colleagues respond to my more measured and positive communication style.

Ralph Estep Jr.: Remember this, I said this earlier. The goal is not perfection. You got to recognize that we are all human and we're going to say things we regret from time to time. The key is to acknowledge our mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and then keep striving to do better. George listen, and everybody else listen. I want to encourage you. Taming your tongue is possible. It takes time. It takes effort and it takes a whole lot of grace. But let me just tell you. The rewards are immeasurable. As you begin to harness the power of your words for good, you'll see a positive change ripple through every area of your life.

Ralph Estep Jr.: This has been a tough discussion for me. And I'm sure it's been that way for you as well. We explored the importance of taming our tongues and using words to build up others than tear them down. We look at practical techniques like that THINK, put that THINK into place today. We talked about that pause button. We discussed having an accountability person. We talked about practicing gratitude, doing that gratitude journal. We talked about memorizing scripture. And lastly, we talked about making a sandwich. You know that active listening, make a sandwich, share good things with the bad. Remember this. If you don't remember anything else I've said today. Your words have power. Your words can breathe life into others or drain it away instantly. Choose wisely, speak kindly, and watch as your relationships flourish.

Ralph Estep Jr.: If you do these things, they will flourish. I want to thank you for joining the Ask Ralph Show. I hope you found it helpful and encouraging. If you did, do me a favor. Share it with somebody who might benefit from it. And listen, don't forget to join us tomorrow. Tomorrow, were going to talk about what the bank is not telling me about my debit card? It's a topic that a lot of people don't want to talk about, but I could save you from some nasty financial surprises. You don't want to miss it.

Ralph Estep Jr.: And listen, if you're feeling overwhelmed by your financial situation and need personalized guidance, I know I didn't talk about finances today. I'm here to help you. You can schedule an appointment with me at askralphpodcast.com/store. And together we'll create a plan to help you achieve financial success. And more importantly, live out your dreams while growing in your faith.

Ralph Estep Jr.: I know this was a heavy episode and I thank you for sticking around for it. And I truly pray, I truly pray that somehow you will find a way to tame your tongue just like I am working at it every day. So until next time, I want you to stay financially savvy and God bless you.